This is something I wrote a couple of weeks ago to be part of a potential devotional for adoptive parents. I'm not sure if it will be used or not, but thought I would share it on here. This was one of those profound Holy Spirit moments where God spoke truth into my heart, bringing me a renewed dream for my future.
"I was only one year away from 40, and my heart seemed
fixated on what had been instead of what was to come. I wasn’t ready to let go of my 30’s and those
readily identified “child rearing years.”
I love being a mom, and my heart was grieving that my now almost two
year old was no longer a baby – nor would I ever have a baby again. Although if you would have looked deeper into
my heart, you would have seen that my heart was also filled with regret and
doubt. The same thought that ruled my
life through the toughest years of my life, after we brought home our 3rd
child, once again was consuming my heart.
My life looked nothing like I had planned, it holding not even one
element of the dreams I once held. I was
a mom to seven children, not two. Two
children, one adopted and one biological, were “my” dreams for my life as long
as I could remember. Instead I was and
am the mom to seven children, two biological and five adopted. I don’t regret any of our children as I truly
consider them sacred gifts from my father but if truth be told the last eleven
years since becoming a mom have been a bit of a whirl wind, and on some level
my heart was still catching up. It
seemed everywhere I turned there was something being shared about the “dreams”
God has for your life. My heart couldn’t
go there, it almost feeling like I was still grieving the loss of my own dreams
for my life. God and I were in constant
conversation about where I was at, and I was pleading with Him to give me a
“dream” for my future.
I remember clearly the day when God spoke truth into my life
and brought me a new dream for my future. I
love the way that God works, using the completely unexpected. I was on one of my usual walks with my three
littlest jewels. I still push two in a
double stroller, while my third youngest rides his bike. This was our second walk in two days and just
like the days previous, the boys were non-stop talking about Lot and his wife. They were fascinated with how his “wife”
didn’t listen to God and turned around, becoming a pillar of salt. They were firing their questions at me, being
especially interested in her name, not seeming satisfied with that the Bible
does not give her name.
It was in the midst of walking on one of our neighborhood
streets, while pushing a stroller, and while having a very interesting
conversation about Lot and his wife with my two sweet jewels, that the Holy
Spirit spoke. As I was about to answer
one of their questions, I heard the Holy Spirit clearly say “I don’t want YOU to
look back anymore.” I have to be honest
that even there on that street in my work out clothes and pony-tail, I had to
fight back the tears. There was no
judgment from my Father, only hope and peace, and my heart instantly no longer felt the need to look
back. As my walk continued, I tried to
focus on what my boys were saying, but really my heart was elsewhere. On that same walk, God reminded me of my life
verse in Jeremiah 29:11, “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,
plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a
future.”
I knew with 100% confidence that God was calling me to be
done with looking back and that instead I needed to look forward, fully trusting
Him with my future. God reminded me of
His faithfulness, even in the midst of the extremely hard. It is a bit comical to me that later on
during this same walk, my little boys started another conversation about when
they would become adults. This was not
their wording, instead it was, “mom, when I get older, can you teach me how to
make a pizza? Mom when I get older, can
you help me buy a house? Mom, when I get
older will you help me take care of my kids?”
Oh the sweetness and tenderness of their hearts, and the sweetness and
tenderness of my Father’s details for my heart.
My Father reminded me of the fact that although I will not have any more
babies of my own, I will have plenty of “grandbabies” to love on as each one of
my older children wants to have between 4-8 adopted and biological children
each. On that walk, He gave me a renewed
dream for my future.
No matter what we have walked in the past (all the good,
bad, and ugly that often defines the healing trauma parenting journey AND life in general) God does
not want us to look back anymore. Instead
He wants us to look forward, to His yet to be revealed details, with great peace
and expectations."
Blessings!! Maria
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