I haven't blogged for a while, although my heart has wanted to, as I find that most days I'm too completely wiped to do anything after my jewel (or jewels) are asleep. This journey is hard. There really is nothing easy about it.
Watching our son FIGHT cancer is something that is heart shattering, on all accounts. Every single day Jax has to be SO brave, the medical stuff he faces leaving him no other choice. Add on his loss of vision. I can't even begin to imagine what Jax has to face every single day. Nothing about it seems okay or fair. Jax is a hero on every account.
Watching cancer break up our family, essentially, is heart wrenching on other equally profound levels. My jewels shouldn't have to do the too many things to mention that they've had to do, without their mamma. They should not have to be separated from their brother. They should not have to worry about cancer like they have to. They should not have to live their life with one parent. Nothing about cancer is fair or right. They also have to every day by necessity be brave.
Yet despite the excruciating hard, when I'm on my knees in exhaustion, desperation, grief, anger, wanting to quit, or in moments of praise, I am internationally choosing to see my Jesus. And I find Him.
I find Him in the eyes of a kind nurse as Jax throws up again, her having to clean up his throw up again, and put his feeding tube back in, again.
I find Him in the generous signed card and $500 check that was left on my husband's desk at work.
I find Him in the thoughtful heart of my eleven year old son who when given a choice to buy something for himself, instead chooses to buy his brother Jax a toy.
I find Him in the loving action of a complete stranger who so sacrificially does our laundry once a week.
I find Him in the gentle heart of our oldest who chooses to lovingly let her brother sleep with her, when he's too sick to sleep in his own bed, mom and dad wanting a night without anyone in their bed.
I find Him in our second oldest son who so gently carries his brother around, playing whatever game Jax wants to play.
I find Him in the generosity of our Doctor who brings me a coffee in the midst of long and complicated clinic visits.
I find Him as I look out the window and see evidence of His beautiful creation everywhere I look.
I find Him in the hearts of friends who so selflessly and generously arranged a garage sale and BBQ for us.
I find Him in the clinic receptionist who is so friendly to every single family, always saying "hi Jax."
I find Him in the generous and tender heart of our pastor who showed up at our front door with a personal check and praying bear for Jax.
I find Him in the selfless hearts of my sisters who excitedly offered to have our jewels so that their daddy could have a break on the Homefront as he balances all 8 of them and work.
I find Him in His embrace, Jesus's tangible presence being the only thing that gets me through on some days.
We are almost done with Jax's 3rd round of chemo. We have 3 more to go, with the last two being much more intense/hard chemo drugs. An MRI last week showed that all of the tumors outside of Jax's eye are gone and that the tumors within Jax's eyes have been reduced by half. This is fantastic PRAISE worthy news. This is HOPE that quite honestly we needed.
Regardless of if the tumors are all gone after 4 rounds of chemo, we will still continue with all 6 rounds. With how aggressive Jax's cancer has been and with the possibility of there being tumors that cannot be seen, our doctors feel this is necessary. They are also advocating for eye removal as a preventative way to keep Jax cancer free. This will be decided at the end of the treatment, and will happen then if this happens.
I wish I could say this journey is easy and that everyone really is doing great, but that's not our reality. However, considering what we are all walking, everyone is doing good. VI'm not sure what you are doing at the moment but I'm laying in a bed next to my three year old son who is fighting cancer, while my husband is at work 2 hours away, while my children are about 14 hours away at their auntie's house.
The amount of things that Jesus is asking me to lay down and give up are honestly endless. This is not at all how I thought my life would be as an almost forty-two year old. Yet if I read my Bible I'm reminded that this is typical of the Christian life. God asks us to daily pick up His cross, not our coffee cup, but His cross. There seems to be nothing easy about the life of the Christians in the Bible time, nothing. And then when we study the life of Jesus, who is who we are supposed to be trying to be like - his life was in polar opposition to the "American Dream." Our time on earth is just a stepping stone. We are not supposed to be building mansions for ourselves but instead are supposed be focused on eternity. Cancer has this way of bringing all of these truths into crystal clear focus.
Yet cancer is hard, yet every day I genuinely see my Jesus and find hope and peace in His very felt presence and in the ways that He's using so many people to be the hands and feet to our family. I really could go on and on. It often seems that in our hardest days that God brings someone to tangibly bless our socks off.
I look around and see so many other people suffering and going through their own hard. My advise for you if you have a friend or family who is going through "hard" and you don't know what to do, show up and keep showing up.
Thank you to all of you who keep showing up, either at the hospital with a cup of coffee, through a text, sending gifts for Jax, through a comment on my posts, through a meal for our family ... Thank you! I see Jesus in you every time you show up!!
This isn't the life I thought I would be living, yet it's the only life I want to be living!!
💙 Maria
P.S. This jewel is amazing and is a gift and I would do this all again, not only for my Jesus, but also for my Jax!! He's a sacred gift!!
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