Not the Answer We Were Hoping For!!

It's been twenty years since Seattle Childrens did a surgery that resulted in someone being completely blind.  That's amazing, incredible and awesome, and is about to change.  I suppose you could say that Jax is making history as next week on Wednesday July 27 Jax will have a surgery done where the doctors will remove his one remaining eye.

Honestly, this is devestating to both Sam and I as it's so final, and as it closes the door to the miracle we have been asking Jesus for.  We are both experiencing enormous grief at the impact of this loss for our Jax.

Since last September I have begged, cried, and groaned to my Jesus, asking Him not to take Jax's vision.  And all along, and even today, I believe 110% that Jesus can 100% heal Jax and fully restore his vision.  I believe He could do it right now, as I write this, as Jax is napping.  Yet, my Jesus is not doing it.  

Our little boy will not be able to SEE again until the other side of eternity.  I don't understand this nor do I even for a minute try to understand it.  I don't understand why a precious baby boy would soon after birth develop cancer in both of his eyes; then become orphaned at 6 months old, only to loose one of his eyes a couple of months later, while being treated for the cancer in the remaining eye; then to have the cancer come back a year plus later it taking him on a one year plus journey of being treated with chemo only to result in the loss of his vision, and his other eye as well.  I have to surrender all of my why's to Jesus, me choosing to trust His goodness and faithfulness in the midst of the heart break of what we are walking.  My heart can't handle the depth of loss that's involved so instead I choose to surrender it to my Jesus, yet simultaneously my grief from the loss is real.

Our Doctor has also shared how Jax's cancer is about "9 standard deviations" above the norm in it's aggressiveness.  So, simultaneotsly, as devestating as this surgery is, it's also necessary to save our jewel's life.  And so in the midst of our pain, loss, and grief, we give thanks.  We give thanks for the sacred gift of this amazing (smart, kind, loving, affectionate, fun, ariculate) jewel who is worth it ALL!!  A jewel who we KNOW that his blindness will result in obstacles for him, BUT they will not hold him back.

I also thank my Jesus for HIS grace.  Had Jax not lost his vision, the tumors growing outside of Jax's eye would not have been detected.  Had Jax not lost his vision, what we are walking now with the upcoming surgery would be a hundred times harder.  I can't even bear to think what it would be like for Jax, the kids, and Sam and I, if we were preparing for Jax to next week loose not just his eye, but also his vision.  This is grace and I praise my Jesus for it.

I also believe whole heartedly that God uses all of our hard for good and for His glory if we allow Him, and this does bring me comfort and hope in the midst of my grief.  Yet we still have to walk this out, so do our kids, and ultimately so does our Jax.

I also praise my Jesus for the hundreds of other miracles that He has done throughout our journey, soo many that I didn't even ask for yet they are miracles that have not only met our needs but also blessed us beyond measure.

Jax's cancer fight is not over.  After his surgery, Jax will have 2-3 rounds of chemo treatments left.  The last two rounds of chemo will involve a new chemo drug, one that's tougher then the ones already used.  Our Doctor is hoping that Jax's own white cells (stem cells transplant that he'll have after each chemo round) will help Jax recover quickly from the chemo.

Although we have surrendered asking our Jesus for a miracle of complete healing, we are still asking Him for a miracle of complete cancer healing.  We are asking that Jesus heal our precious jewel from all of the cancer that is within his body.  

This time at home as we wait for the surgery, all 11 of us together, is so unexpected, and is so so so good.  It's a treasured GIFT from my Jesus and I thank and praise Him for it.

Thank you ya'll for ALL of your support of our family.  Thank you for the endless prayers that are being said for Jax, even now.  We thank Jesus for you, for you are part of His Grace in our journey.

💙 Maria