This post is hard to write.
This week I watched the video made on our family a year by Chosen and Dearly Loved. It was such an incredibly surreal experience. I didn't feel like I was watching myself. Sooooo much has happened since the video was made. We've been on a journey that we didn't expect. When that video was being made, I honestly didn't even consider that Jax's cancer would come back. I truly believed that Jesus had healed Jax (which He had) and so why would He allow Jax's cancer to come back. Jax used to be an orphan after all, why would God allow a precious boy to have to fight cancer again! And Sam and I, well we had walked out in faith and had said yes when God had called us, certainly God wouldn't allow cancer to enter our family as we had so greatly trusted Him. I realize now that these thoughts of mine were incredible arrogant and unjust. I certainly don't judge myself at all and I do understand why I thought this way.
Now I know that the last year and our right now has nothing to do with God's character, yet it has everything to do with it. Our God is just, loving, full of compassion, full of grace, and is a good father, regardless of our circumstances.
God did give us a whole summer of Jax being cancer free and it was a glorious summer. It was a total gift. Grace. We basked in fully enjoying getting to know our Jax (and Jewlia), falling more and more in love with who they were (are). We had no idea about what was just around the corner, and I praise my Jesus for this, for His grace. Ignorance truly is bliss.
In September when Jax's cancer returned, we honestly only slightly considered that Jax might loose the eye. We really though just felt like the monthly inter-artery chemo was just a means to an end. We thought it was something we had to walk through in order for our jewel to be cancer free. I'm thankful we didn't know what was ahead. Grace.
In February when we felt we could not go on, all of the doctor's appointments just being too much, we had no idea what was just around the corner. We however cried out to Jesus and begged Him to restore us and He did. He refined us and renewed us and we were ready to continue with the battle, us having no idea that within the next week of feeling restored by our Jesus that the tumors would blow up. Nor that under two months later, Jax's tumors would blow up again and he would loose his
vision. Grace.
That seems to be a theme throughout the last year. Sam and I beg Jesus for strength for what's in front of us, when unknown to us, Jesus provides strength for what is just around the corner. He provides strength for what we cannot see, but He can. Grace.
On Friday I thought I was coming down to continue with the chemo as planned, Jax needing the chemo to kill all of the cancer cells still left that were not detectable. My human flesh wanted to run and I once again desparately needed the Holy Spirit to restore my heart and give me His strength. He did and I woke up Friday morning with the strength of Jesus. I felt I had my armor on and it took everything in me to still go on my run, before running (driving) to tag Sam out. I did not expect the day to unfold as it did.
On Friday the results from the spinal tap were back. A spinal tap takes fluid from the spine/brain and tests it for cancer cells. We had this test done in May and it came back negative. Last week was a routine spinal tap, there was nothing that indicated concern. The spinal tap came back positive. Our Jax's cancer has now spread further into to his brain, past the optic nerve.
Sam and I were initially devestated. A follow up meeting with a team of doctors was anything but encouraging. I asked a lot of tough and direct questions, all the answers being things a mother never wants to hear. The medical information is not in Jax's favor. The doctors are worried. They don't know what the end result will be after Jax has gone through all the treatments they can offer.
Sam and I spent most of Friday afternoon, crying, sobbing, and somewhat attempting to ask why. Our nurse that day took Jax without really asking us on a walk around the unit, as we sat on the couch in the hospital room, holding each other, crying. Yet somehow in my spirit I had sensed my Jesus preparing me for this. Throughout the last month I have sensed Him preparing me for something hard. Grace.
Our sweet precious Jax. Have you met him!? He's amazing! He's a joy! He's a life giver! He's made our life so much better! He's taught me so much!! The way I see it now. I wasn't planning on Jax. The fact that I get to be his mom is an outright miracle. Me, the woman that was only going to have two kids. It's a gigantic miracle. It's grace that for the last 13 months I've been sooo lavishly blessed by the incredible sacred gift of being Jax's mom. It makes me giddy just thinking about it. God literally interrupted my life and literally gave me the gift of the most amazing jewel. How can I say anything but thank you. How can I do anything except praise Him for this pure joy miraculous
unexpected gift.
I feel God telling me that He's got this. I feel Him telling me that greater things are still to come. I feel Him telling me that everything is going to be okay. I've been trusting and resting in these words from my Jesus.
Do I know what they really mean. No. But for today they are Grace.
Tomorrow Jax could potentially be having an MRI done where the doctors attempt to see if there are any visible tumors on Jax's spine and in his brain. My Jesus is going to have to carry me through tomorrow.
I know so many of you are praying for our Jax. Yet my heart more than ever before is to rally an army, of praying warriors to pray for our Jax. Warriors who will come alongside us, begging Our Jesus for a full healing miracle on behalf of our Jax, warriors who 100% believe that our God can heal our Jax. A healing miracle that is so excessive and outlandish that it screams the evidence and glory of our Creator, Father and King.
Would you rally with us. Would you pray with us. Would you believe with
us.
💙 Maria
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From Peter and Katie and kids