Tomorrow Jax starts his next round of chemo, and as much as I love my son, I really don't want to go. My heart is heavy, and is full of grief and trauma.
I feel my heart already grieving what I'm going to miss during the next 3 months. I'm going to miss out on so much!! I could make a list of all the things, a gigantic list that could take all night to write. I've been home for 12 days and this time at home has been an incredible gift, yet it's also bitter sweet as my heart has remembered things I had buried.
My heart remembers what it's like to be a mom to our other 8 jewels. I remember what its like to every night be home for bedtime, for bedtime cuddles, snuggles, lovings, and prayers. I remember the simple joy of being able to watch my jewels sleep, there's something incredibly majestic about it. As is the sound of their giggles, laughter, calling for me, reading stories together, sharing stories together, band aids, too many things to count. Throughout the last 3 months my heart has most of the time felt numb as I can't handle the depths of all of the feelings I feel on any given day. Normally my grief has been buried but lately it has come back to the surface.
My heart also remembers what it's like to be a wife. My heart remembers what it's like to every night lie beside my husband in bed. This is such a simple daily act but it's not wasted on me. This simple act brings such comfort, connection and grounding to my Heart. I remember what it's like to have a conversation with my husband ... I remember ...
I remember what it's like to be a sister, friend, and person. I remember what it's like to run outside every day, if I want to. A simple thing, yet such joy on many different levels. I remember what it's like to live life. Although it's been almost a year since Jax's cancer coming back, I still remember what it's like to live a life without cancer.
Starting tomorrow my focus will have to switch, to one of fighting cancer!! I must, Jax must, and so we must fight with him. Results from recent tests are showing there's still cancer outside of the eye, cancer cells so small that even an MRI couldn't catch them. The extent and implications we have yet to find out!
I remember the last 3 months and my heart starts to panick as the trauma of everything that has happened floods my mind. Tomorrow my focus will have to return to that of the last 3 months. My focus will be on white blood cell counts, nausea, nausea meds, IV's, beeping machines, NG tubes, Hickman lines, blood draws, temperature checks, blood pressure checks, heart rate checks, transfusions, infusions, hospital beds, ER visits, fevers, chemo meds that will make our jewel very nauseas and sick, the depletion of white blood cells that will take away all of Jax's ability to fight of any minor or major illness, CNA's, nurses, doctors, spinal taps, spinal chemo injections, NG and IV meds around the clock, port cleaning, NG bags cleaning, Hickman bandage dressing changes, CT scans, test results, and so much more.
My focus will be on fighting cancer and everything else will be secondary. There is a difference now though from the last three months, our Jax now has no eyes and will be forever blind on this side of eternity. And to my surprise his cancer fight is still not over.
What Jax is walking, what I'm walking, what our family is walking is too much. We can't handle it unless Jesus shows up. Not the typical North Anerican "Christian" show up. Instead the I can't live or breathe without Jesus, show up.
I will not wake up tomorrow wanting to go to the hospital. I'll wake up begging my Jesus to give me the strength to get in my car and drive to Seattle Childrens. I'll beg him for strength the whole time I drive down, maybe even for days. And you know what, I know He'll give it to me. It more likely will not be pretty, I might be a big ugly mess in the meanwhile as I rest in the arms of my Jesus. When and if you see me, I more likely will hide or bury the heaviness of all that we are walking.
When I look in the eyes of my Jesus I find strength. That's where my gaze is going to have to be as I cannot do the next 3 months on my own. My eyes are and will be fixed on Jesus. I'm counting on Him for my literal everything, for me, for Jax, and for my hubby and 8 other jewels.
When I look at Jax, I find strength. Be still my heart. What Im walking as his mamma is nothing in comparison to what he's walking. Yet he does it with such grace, compassion, and joy. He encourages me. He encourages others. He truly is my warrior, hero, and precious jewel!!! He's worth the FIGHT, every minute of it! He's an incredible little boy! He us a sacred gift given to me by my Father and I praise Him for His good gifts!!
Thank you to so many of you who are our prayer FORCE!! We could not do this without you!! We desperately need your prayer covering. Thank you for making such a huge difference in our life!!!
I praise my Jesus for that He is bigger than cancer. I praise Him for that He can handle ALL of what we are walking. I praise Him for the strength that He's going to give me. I praise Him for that He has Jax and all of us in the palm of His hands. I praise Him for that when I will need Him to, He won't walk beside me, but instead will carry me.
Carpe Diem ya'll, you never know when your life will change.
💙 Maria
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