As I write this, our little warrior jewel is getting a spinal tap done where fluid will be removed from his spine, while simultaneously having chemo injected into his spine!! On Sunday he will be admitted for inpatient chemotherapy, him staying inpatient until Wednesday!! In a months (4-6 weeks) time he's scheduled for one more round of inpatient chemo, Lord willing, his last one.
As I sat in the clinic today, waiting in between appointments, my heart was struck by what I saw. One girl about the age of 12 was sitting in a wheel chair, her obviously not feeling good, her head resting on a stuffed animal which her mom had propped up while simultaneously gently rubbing her daughter's face. Another teenage girl was repeatedly throwing up into the very familiar green throw up bag, her mom rubbing her back. None of us even flinched at this, as clearly it was something that was all too familiar. Another fourteen year old, or so, was sprawled over three chairs or, her head laying in her mom's laps. There was also toddlers, babies, and my Jax was moving between laying on the floor and my lap. He was completely exhausted today, not eating or drinking for 14+ hours would do that to any of us.
As we were driving down today, Jax was struggling and so I prayed for him. When I finished praying he said, "mom, God is always with us." I know I've talked with him about this exact thing but still it struck my heart to hear my three year old son say this so confidently. We talked about many other things related to God and then I proceeded to tell him how "Jax has taught mommy how to be brave." His heart was impressed by this and he was quiet for a bit as he pondereded it!! This is 100% true!! My God has used my son to teach me how to be brave, and he's continuing to. I have bore witness to all that Jax has had to go through and is still continuing to go through, but I can only imagine what it's like to actually go through it!! Our jewel has had to be braver than anyone I've ever known throughout my lifetime. I'm pretty sure that if I had to have the procedure done that he had today, I might have an actual panic attack. He's had 6 done here in the United States.
What I think has gotten him through, is my Jesus. I believe that my Jesus has protected and anointed his little heart and life!! There just can't be any other explanation of how an amazingly special little jewel he is, despite and in midst of what Jax has gone through and is going through. He's still very much a toddler, while simultaneously I see the fruits of the spirit in Him. He loves Jesus, and worships more intently and genuinely than some adults I know. God is not only always with him, but is also making Himself known to my son. God has also clearly already gifted and anointed him with things that are rare in three year olds.
I believe my Jesus is up in heaven talking to His father about how much He loves Jax and how proud He is of my Jax. Remember, Jesus spent 30 years here on earth with humanity, and died the ultimate horrific sacrifice for all of us. Jesus UNDERSTANDS and He and my Father cherish Jax. They delight in Jax. There's nothing my Jax can do that would make them stop loving Jax less. There's nothing Jax could do that would make my Jesus love him more. He loves Jax through and through right now, a year ago, ten years from now ... Jax has been marked by my Father's delight.
I'm struck today as I sit here waiting for Jax to wake up from his procedure, that I'm on Holy Ground. As there's so much suffering around me, I can more visually see the miracles of so many details that might otherwise go unnoticed. And in the suffering, quiet, and stillness of this place, I'm that much more reminded that my Jesus is here. He's carrying my Jax through everything Jax has to go through. He cares deeply and perhaps he's shedding tears just like I am right now.
Y'all, Jesus cares just as much about me and cares just as much about you. That is truth and it's a truth that I think I neglect to live out of as I don't fully understand it. It's easy for me to understand how much God loves Jax as I love Jax so much, and I know that my love doesn't begin to compare to that of my Heavenly Father. It's so much harder to take the truth of our Father's delight and apply it to me. Daily this week I've been listening to sermons that have been speaking this truth to my heart. I can't help getting the picture of my Jewlia squealing with delight, her feet running pitter patter, and her throwing her arms around me, whenever I return. My Jesus delights this much (and even more) in me. There's nothing I can do to make Him love me less. There's nothing I can do to make Him love me more.
I'm struck also by the many people here who also love Jax and my Jesus. Conversations with nurses, doctors, CNA's, and nurse practitioners tell these two stories of their hearts. God is using them profoundly to go to bat, so to speak, for Jax. They are working tirelessly on his behalf, while simultaneously cherishing our Jax. I'm so incredibly thankful for the amazing staff here at Seattle Children's. I have so many mental pictures and memories of them going way above and nurturing our Jax. It also speaks to that this is Holy ground. My Father is tangibly present here.
These days I'm trying to have the truth of my Father DELIGHT saturate my heart. My prayer is that it would saturate yours as well. Delights, delights, delights!!!!! Zephaniah 3:17, "The Lord is might to save. He will take great delight in you. He will rejoice over you with singing." Our Father is greatly pleased with me. ❤️. He feels the exact same way about you.
đŸ’™Maria.
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