"Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
in the light of His glory and grace."
Throughout this journey we have learned that at any times things could change, Jax's treatment plan, prognosis, and his day to day. Never before in my life have I so desparately needed to keep my eyes on Jesus to get through my life, sometimes the day before me, and sometimes the literal moment. I have no control over my life. These days I am fighting to keep my eyes on Jesus as I try to renew my strength for the months ahead. We "only" potentially have about three months left of treatment, yet honestly right now three months feel unbearable.
Simultaneously, we know confidently that we only have two inpatient chemo treatments left (two 4 day treatments scheduled one month a part, the next one scheduled for THIS Friday). The reason we have confidence in this is that the doctors have clearly told us that if Jax's cancer comes back, there's nothing that can be done to save our Jax's life. This is not the thing that I want to have confidence in. I have no control over my life. It could at any moment change.
I have learned that as much I trust and respect Jax's team of doctors, they are not who I should put my confidence in. The medical facts are not what I should focus on, instead my focus needs to, and has to be on Jesus. If I want to keep on moving forward in my day to day, and not be laying in my bed bawling, my eyes have to be literally fixated on Jesus. My confidence has to be in Jesus. My confidence is in Jesus. If I want to live a life with a peace that passeth all understanding, my eyes have to be glued on Jesus, as there are things every day and doctor's appointment that could shake my heart and leave it shattered.
Our literal reality is that we don't know what the future holds. I believe fully that my Jesus is going to heal our Jax. I believe this, literally, in every sense of the words. I hang on to it. I believe that He will do this, on this side of eternity. My Jesus hasn't told me anything different so I believe Him and I trust Him. I believed this six weeks ago, when we were waiting for the MRI results, our doctors believing that Jax's brain had tumors, our doctors believing Jax was going to soon die. These days, our doctors are saying that, "we have a good chance at beating this thing. But we have to give it all we got. Jax will need radiation."
This is another change, adding on about a month of treatment. As Jax's cancer did spread to his brain, the doctors are implementing a treatment plan that is typical for brain cancer. Jax had received four spinal chemo injections over the last four weeks. Each time they have also taken spinal fluid that takes a sample of fluid from the brain. Each sample over the last several weeks has tested negative for cancer cells. Moving forward, Jax will be getting bi-weekly spinal chemo injections, as long as the taps continue to be negative.
We so desperately want this to be over. My heart is weary. Sam's heart is weary. Jax is getting weary. He's had to be so brave. He has to be so brave. He is going to have to be so brave. Jax almost daily asks questions related to when "my cancer is over ...," or "when I get older ...," some days it takes enormous strength to simply answer his precious questions. I want to cry, I want to sob; I peel my eyes on Jesus. Almost daily too, Jax says, "when I get to heaven I will get to see, right mommy? I will get new eyes mommy?"
Our jewel has a huge journey ahead of him. We have a huge journey ahead of us. Cancer has changed us. I'm not sure how I'm going to go back to my life as it was, as it now feels like it was so shallow. I won't be going back to my life as it was. I can't, I've changed too much. Exactly what this means I don't know.
At any time any of our lives could change. None of us have control over our lives. We all should every day keep our eyes glued on Jesus. He should be our literal breath, whether we have cancer or not. Do we though? Do we, really? The huge obstacle for all of us that its counter cultural as there are so many things that naturally and automatically take our eyes off of Jesus. My renewed perspective is that none of these other things are worth it. None of us know which day is our last. None of us know which day is our last for the ones we love. This is all of our literal reality, cancer or not, every day.
I praise Jesus for our Jax. I praise Jesus for our Jax. I praise Jesus for our Jax. I praise Jesus for the gift of his life. I praise Jesus for what He has taught me through Jax. I praise Jesus that He somehow thought we were worthy to be Jax's parents. I praise Jesus for the incredibly joy of who Jax is. I praise Jesus for the gift of my life. Each day truly is a gift, loaded with tangible life giving gifts, hand picked for us by our Jesus. In the final stretch, in these last few months of treatment; my eyes will continue to stay glued on my Jesus. Not only do I desparately need him, I love Him.
💙 Maria
P.S. Aren't Jax's new eyes beautiful!?!! Thank you Jesus for this incredible new gift, for beautiful prosthetic eyes for our Jax. Thank you Jesus for doing this so quickly. Thank you for the miracle of them. Thank you for knocking our socks off, for way exceeding all of our expectations!!
Comments