Last week Jax went through his 5th inpatient chemotherapy, of this new treatment that began in May (him having so many other types, and having this exact same type when he was in China as a baby). Since May, it was the 5th time that for days that he felt so sick that he had no desire to play, no genuine smile to offer, nausea that was so bad that required several anti-nausea Medes, nausea that was so bad that despite the meds he would still throw up many times a day, nausea that was so bad that he didn't want to eat a single thing for days, nausea that was so bad that kept him laying down most of the day. It was the 5th time since May that he had chemo that kept him inside a hospital room for many days in a row hooked up to a huge IV pole that had several extra lines connected to his Hickman. Another round of chemo that separated him from his siblings and dad, instead there being strangers that would enter his room at any time, essentially asking to poke him.
I've prayed for Jax continually that Jesus would protect his heart, as the trauma of Jax's cancer treatments throughout his life are huge. What he's had to go through in his little life seems very unjust and unfair. Although this isn't entirely my view, it still feels very much that way. The description I gave above are just for the inpatient intravenous chemotherapy. I didn't describe the inter-artery chemo he's gone through since last September, nor the weekly spinal injections since this past August, or the blood infusions, blood draws, the ER visits, the infections that are so contagious that he's in isolation, the infections that require around the clock antibiotics, the diarrhea that lasts for weeks and cannot be controlled or contained, and so on and so on. Last week, Jax also had to have a bath/wipe down every four hours which made him cry, daily Hickman dressing changes which made him cry, and I can't remember exactly how many times his feeding tube came out (it seemed daily, where it had to be put back in), that also made him cry (and scream).
Things haven't been easy for our little jewel. He's had to be so so so brave, braver than most of us have to be in a life time. And he's only three.
Although I pray constantly for his heart, I honestly haven't really taken time to fully think through how this is all making Jax feel. Last week we saw a distinct difference in Jax, and he for the first time he seemed overall depressed and anxious during his inpatient chemo treatment. We had seen this before but not in such a dominant way as last week.
During one of the moments where he was feeling a little bit better, I took him for a walk around the clinic (Jax in my one arm, my other hand on the IV pole with, which was loaded with a throw up bucket just in case). I spent a little bit of time talking to a new dad, of which Jax had no patience. Later I explained to him how the dad had a two year old son who was also fighting cancer just like Jax, and who was just beginning the fight so I was trying to help him.
Jax was quiet for at least a minute or so, and had a serious look on his face as he seemed to be thinking. What he did next, at first shocked my heart as I totally didn't expect it. Jax said, "mom, I hate cancer." The words seemed so powerful and negative, and from my little guy. I'm always trying to be such an optimist, always looking for the good. In part I was shocked as I can't remember ever even using the word hate, it's not a accepted word within our family.
Simultaneously, for him to put that whole sentence together on his own, was heart BREAKING. Yet it also showed his very compassionate heart as I believe he was thinking about the two year old boy that would have to go through what he's gone through.
The more I thought about it, I'm not surprised that Jax hates cancer. I just hadn't really thought about it. Cancer has done nothing but rob, take away, and destroy in the life of our Jax. Jax doesn't have the view that I have. He doesn't see the incredible blessings and miracles that are happening every day. I'm also not going through cancer, I'm only bearing witness to it. Gosh, when I'm bone tired exhausted I usually get tagged out by my husband and I get a break for a few days. I get a break in
part so I have the energy to keep fighting with Jax. He never gets a break.
Although I still don't know where he got the word hate from. The more I think about it, I hate cancer too. The more I think about it I'm very confident that God hates cancer too. It's horrible. It's destructive. It not only destroys lives, bodies, souls, but families too. It does the opposite of what God intended for us when He made us.
Although let me tell you that God is meeting us in he midst of cancer. There has not been too many other times in my life where He has felt more present. Later Jax and I talked about how mommy asks Jesus for help because cancer is too hard for mom to handle on her own. I told my three year old son how he's going g to have to do the same, as cancer is too hard for him to do on his own (even with mommy and daddy helping him). I told my jewel that He's going to need to learn to look into the eyes of Jesus, and rest there, in His arms. Be still my heart.
Please pray for our Jax, for his emotional and spiritual heart. Please pray that in his dark and darkest moments that He would literally see the eyes of Jesus. Please pray that Jesus would make Himself known to Jax in a real tangible way. Please pray against any depression or anxiety. Please pray that God would protect Jax's life on all levels, and that Satan would have no authority.
Thank you so much Jax prayer force. You are changing the life of our family.
The more I think about it, shouldn't this prayer request be for all of us, regardless of what we are walking. Shouldn't Jesus be our very breath,a very tangible presence with our everything.
Maria
I've prayed for Jax continually that Jesus would protect his heart, as the trauma of Jax's cancer treatments throughout his life are huge. What he's had to go through in his little life seems very unjust and unfair. Although this isn't entirely my view, it still feels very much that way. The description I gave above are just for the inpatient intravenous chemotherapy. I didn't describe the inter-artery chemo he's gone through since last September, nor the weekly spinal injections since this past August, or the blood infusions, blood draws, the ER visits, the infections that are so contagious that he's in isolation, the infections that require around the clock antibiotics, the diarrhea that lasts for weeks and cannot be controlled or contained, and so on and so on. Last week, Jax also had to have a bath/wipe down every four hours which made him cry, daily Hickman dressing changes which made him cry, and I can't remember exactly how many times his feeding tube came out (it seemed daily, where it had to be put back in), that also made him cry (and scream).
Things haven't been easy for our little jewel. He's had to be so so so brave, braver than most of us have to be in a life time. And he's only three.
Although I pray constantly for his heart, I honestly haven't really taken time to fully think through how this is all making Jax feel. Last week we saw a distinct difference in Jax, and he for the first time he seemed overall depressed and anxious during his inpatient chemo treatment. We had seen this before but not in such a dominant way as last week.
During one of the moments where he was feeling a little bit better, I took him for a walk around the clinic (Jax in my one arm, my other hand on the IV pole with, which was loaded with a throw up bucket just in case). I spent a little bit of time talking to a new dad, of which Jax had no patience. Later I explained to him how the dad had a two year old son who was also fighting cancer just like Jax, and who was just beginning the fight so I was trying to help him.
Jax was quiet for at least a minute or so, and had a serious look on his face as he seemed to be thinking. What he did next, at first shocked my heart as I totally didn't expect it. Jax said, "mom, I hate cancer." The words seemed so powerful and negative, and from my little guy. I'm always trying to be such an optimist, always looking for the good. In part I was shocked as I can't remember ever even using the word hate, it's not a accepted word within our family.
Simultaneously, for him to put that whole sentence together on his own, was heart BREAKING. Yet it also showed his very compassionate heart as I believe he was thinking about the two year old boy that would have to go through what he's gone through.
The more I thought about it, I'm not surprised that Jax hates cancer. I just hadn't really thought about it. Cancer has done nothing but rob, take away, and destroy in the life of our Jax. Jax doesn't have the view that I have. He doesn't see the incredible blessings and miracles that are happening every day. I'm also not going through cancer, I'm only bearing witness to it. Gosh, when I'm bone tired exhausted I usually get tagged out by my husband and I get a break for a few days. I get a break in
part so I have the energy to keep fighting with Jax. He never gets a break.
Although I still don't know where he got the word hate from. The more I think about it, I hate cancer too. The more I think about it I'm very confident that God hates cancer too. It's horrible. It's destructive. It not only destroys lives, bodies, souls, but families too. It does the opposite of what God intended for us when He made us.
Although let me tell you that God is meeting us in he midst of cancer. There has not been too many other times in my life where He has felt more present. Later Jax and I talked about how mommy asks Jesus for help because cancer is too hard for mom to handle on her own. I told my three year old son how he's going g to have to do the same, as cancer is too hard for him to do on his own (even with mommy and daddy helping him). I told my jewel that He's going to need to learn to look into the eyes of Jesus, and rest there, in His arms. Be still my heart.
Please pray for our Jax, for his emotional and spiritual heart. Please pray that in his dark and darkest moments that He would literally see the eyes of Jesus. Please pray that Jesus would make Himself known to Jax in a real tangible way. Please pray against any depression or anxiety. Please pray that God would protect Jax's life on all levels, and that Satan would have no authority.
Thank you so much Jax prayer force. You are changing the life of our family.
The more I think about it, shouldn't this prayer request be for all of us, regardless of what we are walking. Shouldn't Jesus be our very breath,a very tangible presence with our everything.
Maria
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