The first week was a trade off with Sam, so that I could be home with our jewels at home as they begun school. Sam spent this first week down in Seattle with Jax, and I got the privilege of taking my jewels to their first day of school and being home when they got home. It was a gift and it was needed. The list of things that I helped my jewels navigate and negotiate was long, with anxiety running high for many of them, emotions were big and many. They are all now in full swing, and overall I would say they are all doing really well. I work hard with many of them on a daily basis and I work with their teachers in order to achieve this success. I simultaneously see God's details of protection over each one of their lives and it deepens the depth of my understanding of how much Jesus loves each one of them, and me their mamma. Jesus delights in each one of my jewels and wants the best for each one of them. Jesus delights in me and wants the best for me. Jesus delights in you and wants the best for you.
Jax has also overall been doing really well. Since the last round of chemo almost six weeks ago now, Jax has only had two inpatient hospital stays. This is a miracle ya'll, a full blown out miracle! I've been asking my Jesus for this exact thing. The months before felt like our hospital stays were a revolving door, as Jax seemed to more likely than not be inpatient for a fever or some type of infection. Although I might argue that the infection that Jax did get this last round of chemo was the worst one he's gotten so far, I still consider how well things went this round a gift. Simultaneously Jax's counts have been on a literal roller coaster ride, which is also distinctly different from the other rounds of chemo. Essentially throughout the last 5 weeks (or so) Jax has been at great risk of infections and hospitalizations!!! In the cancer world, that is too long to go, when something simple such as a cold could land you in the hospital for days. Outside the cancer world, that is too long to go without counts, as there are so many things in our world that can attack our bodies and make us
I feel like there's been a fight within my soul to simply persevere, yet I feel like I landed in the arms of my Jesus. As I reflect upon this, this is where I want to be as we wrap up Jax's chemo treatments throughout the next few months. As I reflect upon this, this is where I want to land for the rest of my time on this side of eternity, despite what the future may hold. I want to always be found in the arms of my Jesus, in the highs, the lows, and the in between of life. I don't want life to be so full of life that I neglect the most important thing.
About one year ago, possibly to the day, I was running, worshipping, crying, and praying all at the same time. I was doing the ugly kind of crying, the kind that I like to keep to myself (and not share on a public blog), and somehow I was still able to keep going. I was on my treadmill which happens to be located in my garage, and my time spent with my Jesus felt like I was standing on holy ground. I felt his presence intensely, He met me where I was at. We had found out that Jax's cancer was back and I was pleading with my Jesus to heal our son. In honest reflection now a year later, the state of Jax's cancer was minimal compared to what it is today. What our son and our family has gone through during the last four months, doesn't even begin to compare with the eight months previously. Yet, my heart was broken and my heart felt desperate. I had never walked out cancer before. I knew that we had a fight before us, although what I did know was only a glimpse into what was to unfold.
As I was crying, begging, and pleading - I heard my Jesus say, "I will heal Jax." I heard it clear as day and I felt God's peace and presence cover my heart. I haven't shared that with many people, as it felt like a private moment between me and my Jesus. It was a cherished moment where I heard my Father speak through His Holy Spirit. I rested in His words then, I rest in His words now. I believe fully that this is God's plans for our Jax and that He will heal him, and perhaps already has. I believe this until He tells me something different. I don't say that with any type of fear tied to it, me having simultaneously been recently processing this with my Jesus as well. I caught myself say to someone out loud, "if I do ______________________ and Jax's cancer comes back, then I will regret doing ________________."
That is not how my heart wants to be or live. God has said He will heal Jax. I claim that and I believe it, without fear. I will not make any decision out of fear, but rather based upon what I feel my Jesus telling me. I love the song "No Longer Slaves" and it has been my truth and rock repeatedly throughout the last year, "You unravel me with a melody. You surround me with a song. Of deliverance from my enemies, till all my fears are gone. you split the sea so I could walk right through it. My fears were drowned in perfect love. You rescued me so I could stand and sing. I am a child of God." Why do I love this song, BECAUSE MY JESUS SPLIT THE SEA SO I COULD WALK RIGHT THROUGH IT!! He really did ya'll!! The things my Jesus has done since we said yes to Jax are enough to fill a whole book. The things my Jesus has done throughout my lifetime are enough to fill several books!! I am a child of God ya'll, a child whose Father delights in her!
I am resting in the arms of my Jesus to not only get us through the next few months, but for us to be victorious in how we live throughout the next months. I don't want to just survive them, I want to thrive, yes even in the midst of cancer. I want to rest in the arms of my Jesus, where He is my everything in a real tangible way. I want to keep producing fruit, fruit for my Jesus. I want to keep declaring His goodness, grace, and faithfulness. I want to carpe diem even in the midst of cancer. I want to, as I've prayed daily for our family, that we would, "grow closer together as a family, and grow closer to Jesus as individuals." I want to keep praising my Jesus.
Thank you to all of you who read my blog, I mean that deeply. Thank you to all of you who have prayed for our Jax and our family, I mean that deeply. Thank you to all of you who have tangibly blessed our family, I mean that deeply. Just yesterday we were getting ice cream and the kind woman behind us knew of our family and got our ice cream - thank you so much to her and to sooo soooo many of you who have been the literal hands and feet of Jesus to us.
God delights in you! God wants you to rest in His arms, in the midst of whatever you are walking out. 💙 Maria
About one year ago, possibly to the day, I was running, worshipping, crying, and praying all at the same time. I was doing the ugly kind of crying, the kind that I like to keep to myself (and not share on a public blog), and somehow I was still able to keep going. I was on my treadmill which happens to be located in my garage, and my time spent with my Jesus felt like I was standing on holy ground. I felt his presence intensely, He met me where I was at. We had found out that Jax's cancer was back and I was pleading with my Jesus to heal our son. In honest reflection now a year later, the state of Jax's cancer was minimal compared to what it is today. What our son and our family has gone through during the last four months, doesn't even begin to compare with the eight months previously. Yet, my heart was broken and my heart felt desperate. I had never walked out cancer before. I knew that we had a fight before us, although what I did know was only a glimpse into what was to unfold.
As I was crying, begging, and pleading - I heard my Jesus say, "I will heal Jax." I heard it clear as day and I felt God's peace and presence cover my heart. I haven't shared that with many people, as it felt like a private moment between me and my Jesus. It was a cherished moment where I heard my Father speak through His Holy Spirit. I rested in His words then, I rest in His words now. I believe fully that this is God's plans for our Jax and that He will heal him, and perhaps already has. I believe this until He tells me something different. I don't say that with any type of fear tied to it, me having simultaneously been recently processing this with my Jesus as well. I caught myself say to someone out loud, "if I do ______________________ and Jax's cancer comes back, then I will regret doing ________________."
That is not how my heart wants to be or live. God has said He will heal Jax. I claim that and I believe it, without fear. I will not make any decision out of fear, but rather based upon what I feel my Jesus telling me. I love the song "No Longer Slaves" and it has been my truth and rock repeatedly throughout the last year, "You unravel me with a melody. You surround me with a song. Of deliverance from my enemies, till all my fears are gone. you split the sea so I could walk right through it. My fears were drowned in perfect love. You rescued me so I could stand and sing. I am a child of God." Why do I love this song, BECAUSE MY JESUS SPLIT THE SEA SO I COULD WALK RIGHT THROUGH IT!! He really did ya'll!! The things my Jesus has done since we said yes to Jax are enough to fill a whole book. The things my Jesus has done throughout my lifetime are enough to fill several books!! I am a child of God ya'll, a child whose Father delights in her!
I am resting in the arms of my Jesus to not only get us through the next few months, but for us to be victorious in how we live throughout the next months. I don't want to just survive them, I want to thrive, yes even in the midst of cancer. I want to rest in the arms of my Jesus, where He is my everything in a real tangible way. I want to keep producing fruit, fruit for my Jesus. I want to keep declaring His goodness, grace, and faithfulness. I want to carpe diem even in the midst of cancer. I want to, as I've prayed daily for our family, that we would, "grow closer together as a family, and grow closer to Jesus as individuals." I want to keep praising my Jesus.
Thank you to all of you who read my blog, I mean that deeply. Thank you to all of you who have prayed for our Jax and our family, I mean that deeply. Thank you to all of you who have tangibly blessed our family, I mean that deeply. Just yesterday we were getting ice cream and the kind woman behind us knew of our family and got our ice cream - thank you so much to her and to sooo soooo many of you who have been the literal hands and feet of Jesus to us.
God delights in you! God wants you to rest in His arms, in the midst of whatever you are walking out. 💙 Maria
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