Why is it that six kids later I am still trying to fit my life into my box, the one that I have created for it to fit into. Why is it that despite my heart's desires, I am still trying to somehow make my life look the way that I want it to. Why is it that every time I feel God stirring my heart towards something that "I" didn't plan (big and little stuff), I still try to plan it my way.
Why do I still struggle so much with totally surrendering my life to my Creator.
The reality is that with any "new" decision which will bring some kind of new change into our life, we will have to at some point ultimately jump. Sometimes the jump will be like jumping off a foot stool, sometimes it will be like jumping off a rock, and sometimes it will like jumping off a bridge. I really mean that in a literal sense.
EVERY time we have made a life changing decision, like the four (out of five) times we decided to adopt there came a point where we needed to literally take the next step that felt like we were jumping off a bridge literally. The last four times we adopted I have never been 100% sure that we were supposed to adopt.
That might come as a surprise to some. The reality is that every time the reasons as to why we should not adopt were still there. Every time we didn't have the money. Every time we did not know how we would do life with another child added to our family. Every time we did not know all the details about our new child and hence every time there were unknowns. I could go on and on. Every time we had step out in faith as there were so many unknowns that I could not come up with a plan for.
The only time in my life that I have felt 100% sure about anything was when we made the decision to adopt Isabella. There was no doubt at all in my soul. Despite the fact that we became instant literal parents, nothing in me questioned whether it was God's plan. Despite the fact that a week earlier I had no idea that I was going to be a mom on the following mother's day (sunday) because I was too busy planning our trip to Europe, I still did not put on my boxing gloves (so to speak), even for a moment.
All the other times (with adoptions or something else) I feel like I put up a literal boxing match with God. I am thankful that He knows my heart as He made me, and so has an abundant amount of patience and grace for me. AND I am thankful for that I am the only one with gloves on, as every time I have felt God's love in the middle of the ring.
2011 is approaching and I feel my spirit already trying to plan out my year. Which quite honestly is feeling a bit scary for me as last year when I thought I had 2010 all figured out, I was TOTALLY wrong. We were invited to go to Hawaii next December with Sam's family ... we would only be responsible for our flights and I would so love to go but part of me is afraid to make such a big commitment as I have NO IDEA what next year will bring (aside from that Lord willing our sweet Jase will be HOME)!
So the picture I posted of me with our three beautiful girls ... when I look at the picture it makes me of think how blessed I am to have three such amazing daughters that I DID NOT PLAN!
Comments
And, I think another is about faith and uncertainty. We can very close to adopting a young man in the summer, and spent time with him before realizing we were not comfortable proceeding further. I think we actually made a wise decision, but I still have a lot of confusion about how to interpret feelings of indecision, uncertainty, doubt, fear along the way. When is it a valid signal to take a step back vs. being an opportunity to take that leap.
I suppose in some way I am thankful to hear that your experience (on a few occasions) was fraught with some uncertainty about moving forward, as I am not one EVER to experience 100% confidence in any major life experience. I definitely do have to just trust and move forward at times.