My precious jewels inspire me. This is no exaggeration, it is how my heart honestly feels. When I think about ALL of what some of them have gone through already in their little lives, I am inspired. When I think about all of their heart breaks, losses, changes, and obstacles; I am inspired. When I think about what some of my jewels have had to leave behind in order to be my son or daughter, leaving everything they knew, their birth family, their culture, their language; I am inspired. When I think about some of the "special needs" that some of my children have to navigate every single day; I am inspired. When I think about their little hearts and the fact that their hearts still trust and still love; I am inspired.
Throughout the last couple of weeks God has especially been challenging Sam and I to be the best parents possible to our precious jewels. He is re challenging us to make sure that our primary focus is to make sure that we are creating life long, nurturing, connections with our them. Which honestly can be exhausting as it requires us to be around the clock, in-tuned, emotionally available, and intentional in our words and actions. This does not feel like an easy task to neither Sam nor I, especially when the demands of our life are in competition for our time and energy. Nor is it easy when our jewel's behaviour is quite frankly draining and demanding, and not of the nurturing kind. And in the fact that there are a few of them, it sometimes feeling like we are always on (which I suppose is inherent of being a parent).
I often find myself having to pick up the pieces of their heart, and sometimes that of my own. Sometimes I honestly have to guard my heart as on some days in my exhaustion it is easy for my heart to want to throw my own tantrum. I praise my Father for how in these moments He is reminding both Sam and I how He truly has ENTRUSTED EACH ONE OF OUR JEWELS to us. He reminds us how He intentionally GAVE EACH ONE OF THEM to us, as sacred gifts, from His heart to ours. That truth in itself often protects my heart and on some days keeps me from throwing my own tantrums. On other days, I push into this truth, after my own tantrum.
A couple of weeks ago, God gave me the picture of a farmer who works around the clock - hands dirty, sweaty, with sores, without much rest, trying to get his seeds to yield some crop. Without judgement God convicted my heart of that "I reap what I sow" when it comes to parenting my jewels. I didn't feel any guilt or shame, although I constantly am making mistakes when it comes to parenting our jewels, me many times sometimes in one day alone falling flat on my face). Instead I felt a real heart conviction to keep going with all of the truths He has revealed to Sam and I about what our jewels need. Truths that honestly have mostly come out from The Connected Child (by Dr. Purvys, and books from Deborah Grey), and from the training that I did with them now almost three years ago. Always having a brain based, sensory focused, felt safety oriented, and connection oriented approach is honestly so exhausting because of how multi-layered and time consuming it is. It is though what our adopted jewels need, and so it is what despite our failures, we continue to try to give them. My father convicted me to keep going, despite my soul exhaustion. As we have completely failed in our parenting in the past, Sam and I have literally seen the bad fruit from the parenting seeds we were planting. And we have seen the good fruit from our parenting seeds, some of which has taken YEARS and is only now just starting to bud so to speak. This is an analogy that really could keep going and going. All to say that we really have been convicted that we DO have control over what "we" do as parents. We cannot control the trauma histories of our jewels, nor how their trauma is impacting them. Sam and I really have been re convicted lately in making sure that we DO everything that we can for our jewels. And these days we have a very clear, detailed, and multi-layered picture of what that is.
I find such enormous comfort in that I KNOW that God has the hearts of my kids, despite my own daily successes and failures as a parent. I praise Him for that He does not expect perfection from me as a mom, but that He instead wants my heart, connected with Him and connected with my kids. I love the truth that someone shared with me years ago, how our kids actually do not need us to be perfect parents. If I were a perfect mom my kids would never know how much they in actually need God as I would meet all of their needs. My jewels quite on the contrary KNOW that they desperately need their Heavenly Father, Creator, and King.
(BE STILL MY HEART about the posted picture ... as the story behind it is priceless and such a GIFT)!
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