In the last couple of weeks things have happened that we honestly did not expect. I think in our hearts we did not think that things could get any worse when Jax's tumors doubled and mutated. When we went for chemotheraphy two weeks ago it was not even slightly on our radar that we could wake up to our son being blind. Last Friday brought other devestating news, today's tests giving us more information.
We are right now on our way to Children's, today having the possibility of bringing even more devestating news than last Friday. None of these things that are happening and are going to happen were possibilities for us, in our hearts or in our minds. We had two doctors cry on us on three separate occasions last Friday, one male and one female. These are medical professionals that deal with sad every single day.
Everything that is happening has me thinking to that night now about two years ago when I was rocking Lillyana and singing "amazing Grace."
"Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a child like me. I once was lost but now am found. Was blind but now I see. 'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear. And grace my fears relieved. How precious did that Grace appear, the hour I first believed."
My reality is that I need lots of seed plantings before I step out BIG in faith. And my Jesus in His GRACE gives that to me, time and time again. He often whisper things that I hear but don't understand until later. As I was rocking my baby girl I heard God clear as day say that we were going to have another child and somehow Grace was involved. We thought we were going to have a girl and that her name would be Grace, so Jewlia has the middle name Grace. We did not know that when we picked one of Jax's middle names that the name had original meanings in grace.
Now I think that God used that song specifically for so many other reasons than to speak His truths and plans to us. For the past year, in the paper chase of bringing home Jax and Jewlia, in traveling to bring th home, and in bringing them home; grace has been a reoccurring theme as we have so felt God's grace.
God has revealed so much on the spiritual realm through Jax and Jewlia, and I do feel as if He has lifted some of my blinders and He is continuing to. I was blind but now I see.
And now our Jax is blind, temporary or permanently, and I can't help wonder if there is more that God is going to reveal in our hearts through the song that He first used to call us to Jax and Jewlia. He currently is as Jax going blind was a serious FEAR that I didn't think we could handle. That fear is gone and is honestly secondary to everything else going on, grace my fears relieved.
I also can't help but think about how we are called to have an eternal perspective!! Do we? I find I so easily revert to having a narrow focus. The reality is that if we truly had an eternal perspective we would be sold out for Jesus on all accounts with every single resource that God has given us. Ministries would have waiting lists for people wanting to serve. Churches would be overflowing with the increase of new believers daily coming to
Jesus. Every well that needs to be dug to sustain life would be built. There would be no more foster kids as they all would be in permanent families. Orphan sponsorship would have waiting lists for people wanting to sponsor kids. Orphanages full of adoptable jewels would be empty. Communities here in the US would be full of connection and relationships.
I could go on and on and I realize that for some my notions might seem naive and idealistic. But are they really? What does our Bible say? Weren't the New Testament Christians completely sold out for Jesus, ignoring all cultural confinement and norms. What was the first thing Jesus asked of His disciples?
I don't know about you but I feel like I miss many Holy Spirit lead opportunities. I don't feel like I'm using all of my resources for Jesus. For me, having an eternal perspective moves in and out of my focus. God is all about GRACE and we are humans and are inherently flawed and will never do any of this perfectly until the other side of eternity. Yet I can't help but wonder if this is the daily cries of our hearts. Do I daily pick up my Jesus manna? Do I daily seek to live a life totally surrendered for Him? For me the honest hard answer is no.
We sing A LOT of worship songs that talk to this. Gosh, do we really mean ALL those songs. "I surrender all. All to thee my precious Jesus, I surrender all." To REALLY mean the songs that we sing .... = !!????? Gosh Sometimes I find myself worshipping and the words really striking my heart in such a way that I'm having a soul battle as to whether I really mean what I'm singing and I stop singing.
These days daily picking up my Jesus manna is the only thing that is getting me through. These days having an eternal focus is my anchor and moment by moment hope. Our life is nothing like Job's but yet I'm feeling a bit like Job these days.
Our life is about to even more so get turned upside down. I know that, I just don't know to what degree. Sam and I have been struggling with weariness since Jax's tumors doubled, not thinking we could keep going the way things have been. I know that the next several months are going to look mild in comparison to the last several months.
Jax is amazing and doesn't deserve any of this. It's not fair that this remarkable jewel of mine is fighting cancer for the third time in his little life. It isn't about that though is it. We live in a fallen world where God in His grace has given us free will, enter sin, diseases ...
So for now I will continue to cling on to my Jesus. I will continue to praise Him and thank Him for every single good gift, especially that of my amazing son Jax. I will praise Him for His grace that is new morning. I will praise Him for that one day ALL of this will be but a fleeting thought. I praise Him for that despite my wanting to know every detail in my life ahead of time, He in His grace knows that I can't handle it. I praise Him for that He has my heart and the heart of my son, in the midst of everything that today will bring.
💙 Maria
P.S. The fact that Jax is right now sleeping and we are more than half way to Children's is grace. Thank you JESUS!!
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