Sam came down this morning to help support Jax and to drive us both home. I went for a little walk, the first time I had been outside since Tuesday. As soon as I hit the outside, my tears came and I couldn't stop them. I was struck by the beauty I saw everywhere, and that in contrast with what I had walked the last several days hit my heart hard.
I'm an optimistic. I don't focus on the bad but instead I look for the good always. And I always find it. There's always something to be thankful for. I allude to the trauma of some of our jewels, yet I won't ever share details to protect their hearts. I allude to the hard this week but I haven't really shared details. In part because I want to honor Jax and in part because to write about it in the midst of it would open up my own heart to an emotional space that I couldn't handle as I've been loving my son through his chemo treatment.
The last 5 days have been hard, not like anything I've ever walked out. To know that the drugs that I'm allowing the doctors to give my son are making him so sick that for days he doesn't want to eat, doesn't want to drink, doesn't want to play, doesn't want to hear stories, doesn't want to listen to Thomas on the IPAD, doesn't want a lollipop, doesn't want candy, doesn't want his favorite spicy dynamites snack that he used to beg for, and have too many negative side effects to count ... There are few words.
The main thing that seemed to bring him comfort this week was "me." Me, the mamma he once was terrified off. "Hold me mom," were some of his only words when he was at his worst. I spent literal hours and hours every day this week holding Jax, his little body so weak and frail, me only seeing glimpses of my boy within the moments of the days.
To be holding my son as he threw up, realizing there was nothing I could do as the literal medicine I was giving him was making him sick is beyond heart breaking for a mamma. There's nothing about it that feels right, yet simultaneously knowing that without the meds my son would die. I don't know where to put that in my heart. So as I held my son as he threw up, I often cried (the controlled cry as I had to be strong for my son, the sobbing kind not being an option).
Today as I walked around Children's I was struck by the beauty of life. Everywhere I looked I saw God's beautiful creation. Yet the reality of my heart was the raw truth that life is
short. There are no guarantees. At any point, any day, our lives could drastically change. Any of us could wake up one day to excruciating hard, be it the health of one of our children, our spouses, a hardened teenager, the loss of a job, our own health ... I really think that most of us don't think it will ever happen to
"us." The reality is that it could happen to ANY of us!!
Cancer, for example, does not discriminate based on age, gender, race, religion, economic status, profession, mom, dad, son, daughter, sister, brother. The faces I saw over the last several days that anyone can get cancer.
This was the moment it all changed for me. I was standing in front of the giraffe, holding Jax. "Do you see the giraffe Jax.m," I asked. And my precious boy jewel said, "I can't see it mom." I didn't know it then, but that moment changed everything as a tumor had mutated and taken root on Jax's optic nerve.
My life quote has always been "carpet diem." I think since I was a teenager that was my motto. It simply means to "live to the fullest and to try to make the most of every moment. To live life without regrets." I think I've forgotten that throughout the last several years. I've been too busy trying to be a grown up. I've been to busy trying to be the responsible North American mom woman and mom.
As I walked outside today crying, my heart wanted to declare to everyone, take time to smell the flowers! Hike a mountain. Swim in an ocean. Go for that walk. Count the stars at night. Life is short. You truly could wake up one day and not be able to see and enjoy the magnificent creation created by the God of the universe.
Hug your children every day for as long as they'll let you. Tell them you love them, every day. Take time to sit with a friend over coffee. Date your husband. Call your sister. There are no
guarantees. The people around you are sacred gifts given to you by your Heavenly Father.
Don't hold grudges. Give grace to others. Give grace to yourself. Let stuff go. Forgive others. Forgive yourself. We all could at any point find something to be upset about with others, with ourselves, don't. Life is too short.
Make sure the first things really are first. God should be first above all and then family, and then everything else. Sports, work, academics .... should not be first!! Scripture is so clear. This is so hard as we live in a culture that is saturated with different firsts. I know though for myself that I want to live my life without regrets and the only way to do that is to make sure that my life aligns with scripture.
Carpe diem ya'll!! You never know where life will take you. None of us know what lies ahead.
💙Maria
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