Big decision!

The verses in James 1:2-4 have been on my heart a lot lately.  The verses say, "consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials, because the testing of your faith produces perseverance."

They are verses  I've know for a very long time, possibly since a teenager.  Yet I have to honestly say that as we began the chemo treatment phase of having to be in Seattle for 6-8 months I honestly didn't know what I thought of the verses.  I knew that God was using all that was going on for good and for His glory, yet I got stuck on the "pure joy" part.  I did not think that what we were walking was pure joy.  All that Jax had to go through tore my heart apart.  All the unknowns of the future created worries in my heart that I had to learn to surrender to Jesus.  Being mostly away from my other 8 jewels and Sam was lonely and so incredibly hard on my mamma heart.  Grief dominated my heart, not pure joy.

I doubt that Jesus meant that as we were in the middle of watching our son go through round after round of chemo, we were to have hearts of pure joy.  Yet as I continued to walk out Jax's treatments, God gave me pure joy in the midst of my grief and loss.  The spiritual growth that has happened as a result of the last year and a half have caused my heart to have pure joy and still do.  Jesus has changed me and is still changing me, and it only happened because of the unbearable beyond hard, because of the isolating and lonely, and because of living such a desperately dependently journey.  The deep intimate moments I had with my Jesus in the midst of my unimaginable pain were pure joy. The endless times He showed up when I least expected Him to were pure joy.  The miraculous ways He worked on so many different levels were pure joy to bear witness to.  The gift of Jax's life to us, even in the midst of cancer are pure joy.  None of this would have happened without the endless trials we've faced walking out cancer with Jax.  My faith would not have grown in leaps and bounds, and for that I'm eternally thankful.  It is pure joy.

I don't wish cancer on anyone, yet I do wish the opportunity for tremendous spiritual growth like I've had on everyone I know. The problem is, I don't know how it happens within the mundane of every day life.  I don't ever want to be stagnant.  I want to be in this world but not of it.  I want to be radically sold out for Jesus, His Holy Spirit within me always radiating His glory.  I've been watching and listening to a lot of sermons from Bethel Church in Redding CA, God using these in combination with what I've walked with him throughout the last several months to create in me a genuine hunger for more of Him.  I want this for me and for everyone I know.  Friday starts Jax's last round of intravenous chemo, I can't help but wonder what this will look like past cancer.

Tomorrow we are meeting with our head doctor to process a very a big decision that the doctors had initially been reccommending, now them however saying that the decision is up to us.  You can imagine our surprise and shock when they first shared this with us.  Since the positive spinal tap at the end of August, the doctors have been recommending radiation.  Now, they are unclear of what to do (the reasons are many) and so they are leaving the decision up to us.  For me, it ultimately comes down to what my Jesus wants us to do.  I do believe that if Jesus wants to take Jax home, He will do this regardless of what we do or don't do.  I also believe that Jesus wants healing for everyone, this is His nature, to be a miracle working Healing God.  Look at heaven, there is no sickness or disease there.  Jesus also has the ability to heal Jax at any point, regardless of what we do or don't do.  The complicating thing is that sometimes I believe God wants us to in faith do something, and other times He doesn't.  I know that might all sound very confusing, yet it's where I've landed and it's what I believe fully.  I've been seeking my Jesus for clarity and direction.  About a year ago I heard God say, " I will heal Jax."  God didn't give me any details, of timing or what kind of healing.  When Jax's spinal tap was positive and the doctors thought the cancer had won, I again heard God say, "I got this Maria."  What is He saying now, that we are trying to figure out, Sam and I having to be on the same page about this.  Your prayers for clarity for this big decision are much appreciated.

Also, Jax starts his last round of chemo on Friday.  Wow, be still my heart.  I can't help but go back to when Jax was a newborn, born to his birth family, more likely even then having cancer in his eye.  Then at 6 months of age, they brought him to an orphanage, both of his eyes being loaded with tumors.  He was 6 months old when he went through chemo and the removal of his first eye, my heart can't get past that.  Only for the cancer to return about a year later.  Only for it to return again about 5 months later.  Our jewel has been through so much, and Friday begins his last round of chemo.  We know it's his last because our doctors will not do anymore chemo past this point.

We had some fun plans for Jax's last round of chemo, to celebrate, and because Jax was so anxious and depressed (and nauseas) during the last round.  These plans have been changed as we found out that Jax still has C-Diff which is a contagious infection which consequently means that Jax will be in isolation (God however could still eradicate Jax's body of C-Diff).  Our doctors also extended Jax's inpatient stay by one day.  Sigh, yet trusting my Jesus even in the midst of this difficult news.  I believe God is going to do great and mighty things through this last round of chemo, things I'm not even expecting.  My heart above all is that Jax's heart be blessed and encouraged.

Thank you Jax prayer force!  As the end is in sight, I am 100% confident that we could not have done this without you.  God used every single one of your prayers to minister to us!  Thank you!  Please continue to pray for Jax's full healing from cancer, for God's protection as he goes through this last round of chemo and fights off infections the weeks that will follow, and protection around our entire family as although there is only one round left it's still huge and incredibly hard for all eleven of us!

It's hard to imagine what our life will be like past cancer, I can't even imagine not having to do all of the daily medical things we have to do.  Yet I consider everything that my Father has taught me throughout the last seven months pure joy.

Maria