What turned our world upside down ... the mere "idea" of a little boy/baby boy from Africa (Ghana)!! Yes, we thought we had our 4th all figured out ... we didn't!
At the beginning of January of this year I knew God was still putting Africa on my heart, I just didn't understand the meaning behind it! I thought God was saying you will have a 5th child and he/she will come from Africa! God even gave me specific scripture as to who this child would be!Instead though God was preparing my heart for a redirection that I would not at that point be ready to receive! And He was answering my prayer for more humbleness!
God was also drawing me to himself and was teaching me what it really means to seek His Will! I have re-learned that it takes being soaked in scripture to the point of where God's truths are dripping off of me, that it takes relentless times of being on my knees and truly being STILL and LISTENING, and that for me it takes screening out all non-Godly influences (for me, that involves cutting TV from my life)!
One of my amazing sisters shared such great wisdom with us during the past week as we were struggling in the middle of our life being "turned upside down!" Here is part of what she said ...
"... and so we don't always hear perfectly but I have finally come to the place where I am not willing to give up...I will keep listening and keep trying to follow what I hear and sometimes it will be right on and sometimes I have to go back to the drawing board.. When condemnation comes in, That is not God. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom, peace, life and all of those things. Sometimes God calls people to make radical decisions and gives them faith and grace to walk through their fears but God never "pressures" people to do something... He wants His children to enjoy freedom and peace as they make decisions. God has made it very clear to you guys that He has a calling on you and that He has a purpose and plan for your lives ... The verse that came to mind...is the verse, "knock and the door will be opened to you, seek and you will find, ask and it will be given to you" but the real way the verse should read is: keep on knocking and the door will be opened to you, keep on seeking and you will find, and keep on asking and it will be given to you. Don't give up ...
So what has happened in the life of our family is that after much heartache, tears, and continous times of being STILL and seeking God through scripture we have come to realize that since last August when we made the decision to adopt from Ghana, God all along said "be still AND KNOW that I AM GOD!" And this we did not do! Even in December when we made the deicison to switch to China, I tuned out the voice that kept telling me "be still!" I also felt in December like God was saying, "just wait till the New Year, just wait," this I tuned out too! Consequently, we feel like the AMAZING little guy in China is not meant to be our son!
This realization comes with ENORMOUS humility, realizing that I turned a decision into being all about God when really it was all about ME (I was being impatient and I really wanted to adopt from China again, and the little guy looks just like our Matteus and he was totally adorable and his disability seemed to be a perfect fit with our current family, and I wanted to be in control)! In all honesty, I was not willing to FULLY seek nor trust God on this decision, and at that time I was unable to be still!
This realization also comes with enormous feelings of grace and freedom - and mixed in with our sadness we also have feelings of pure EXCITEMENT and JOY as to who our 4th child is supposed to be! We are thrilled to be back on track, and are THRILLED to sometimes in the future be adopting from Ghana - we feel extremely honored!!!
This decision really has been a PROCESS of us really trying to listen, and one of which we went from considering adopting both boys to the decision we now are at! In all honesty, it has been a long time since I have sought after God has hard as I have over the last couple of weeks!
We are not sure how long God is calling us to be STILL as we wait to determine who our 4th is supposed to be, but we are in it for however long the wait is!
So we are in the WAITING part of our adoption journey again! And yes there is a POSSIBILITY for a little guy in Ghana, but we won't know for sure for many weeks! Regardless, we feel like China is not the place that God has been calling us to!
THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much to all of you who prayed for us, who knocked for us!! It has been a tough week but simultaneously one of which God has been drawing me closer to Himself ! It has been a week of humility and grace!!!
Blessings to all of you!
Comments
I've been praying with you and the other families in the local adoption world. This process seems like such a test of faith. I know He is the dream giver, and the One who has put these pure desires on our hearts, and it's just a matter of walking through the process to see where He leads us, and HOW He will fulfill these dreams. We know He will do it, He is faithful! There's a little someone on that China waiting list that I am currently praying for, and I realize we probably won't be his parents (we're too early in the process) but it is easy for my heart to jump and try to connect the dots- he'd be such a perfect fit for our family!! There's a little agony. But greater is the knowledge that He will be faithful to complete the works and desires He has placed in us. (To totally paraphrase). The other verse that keeps coming to mind is in proverbs- A longing fulfilled is sweet to the soul!! It will be. Hang in there.