This seems to be a constant theme in my life, me giving up "my plans" for God's plans. Last year was honestly hard for me as it ended up being a year that I soooo was not anticipating. So now that it is the beginning of another year, I have had to rework through some of the stuff that surfaced last year.
I am by nature by a very contemplative person. I think about everything, sometimes (okay often) to an obsessive level. I look at things from every angle. With that I also put "everything (every angle)" before my Creator, and I soooo lean on His directions for every detail of my life. Yet the more and more I walk life I am realizing that I still have not given God the complete reigns of my life.
At the beginning of 2010 in my own self-absorbness I was fully confident that 2010 would be a year of transition and attachment. I was fully confident that it would be a year with no change. I was fully confident that it would be a year for our family to "catch up" so to speak, as within the four previous years our family had added 3 children through the miracle of adoption. God did soo many miracles through each one of our adoptions, these miracles often coming after much pain and many struggles ... emotionally, spiritually, financially and so forth. So yes in 2010 I really was thinking that we all needed a bit of a "break," as if God ever takes a break.
Our AMAZING pastor shared last week how if we are not moving forward in our faith, we are then consequently moving backwards. I don't think he meant that we have to be constantly doing things where it feels like we are taking faith jumps off a bridge, but I sooo get what He is saying. It is hard to fully explain, but I sooo understand it. And honestly I think at the beginning of 2010 I was kind of hoping for a year where my faith would not be moving forward. I was not actually consciously thinking this because I ADORE MY CREATOR and want to with my whole life worship Him with my life, yet simulataneously for me often my times of faith growing come with enormous growing pains.
Last year was not at all what I expected. We started the process of adding TWO more children to our family, both who were totally unplanned ... one who is now in eternity with Jesus (I miscarried) and Lord willing the other one will be HOME SOON! Within both of those blessings, the enemy worked hard to destroy and we faced real hard times of discouragement and other unseemingly unmovable obstacles. God however did HIS THING every time, including walking us through our miscarriage ...
So now that it is the beginning of another year, I can't help but ponder the year behind us and everything it brought. Quite honestly I have had to work through some fear/control issues AGAIN. Sooo now I am finally at the place where I can fully give God FULL REIGN over 2011.
I have different lenses than I did one year ago, and my hands and heart are much more open then they were this time last year.
The thing about this year is that I KNOW that it WILL be full of change, some already determined and some that God is stirring in my heart which I have no idea of what they will look like. However instead of looking at this year with fear or dread of the "hard' times that I KNOW this year will bring ... I am choosing to look at it with GREAT anticipation, as I know that God WILL walk me through whatever HARD this year brings. I am "Choosing to SEE Jesus" regardless of what life brings. I finished Mary Beth Chapman's book just a little bit back and I highly reccomend it.
I relate a lot to her story in the way that my life LOOKS so completely different than what I ever imagined or planned. I am referring not to death of their beautiful daughter Maria but instead to her story of being a mom of six children. The picture at the top is THE PICTURE that I had for my life. I had a plan for my life to have two children, one biological and one adopted ... it was a perfect plan I thought. If you remember I think about things a lot (okay too much sometimes), this was a that plan I had for YEARS for my life (so imagine all of the thinking that went into it).
Yet I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO HUMBLED that God saw in me something that I did not see, He saw that I could be a "mother to many children." I did not see this in myself. And I have been completely challenged, refined, and BLESSED by it. I am SOOOOOOOOOO THANKFUL for each one of our jewels.
I am also thankful for 2011 and already want to give God ALL THE PRAISES for what He is going to do in 2011. Our Pastor has challenged us to look at Jesus with FRESH eyes in 2011. This has been a great challenge. He is challenging us to read the the Gospels like we are reading them for the first time. I love that and am falling in love once again with my Savior. My prayer for 2011 is that regardless of what life brings that I have a HUNGER for His WORD and for knowing Him!
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