Beautiful!

I just had a Birthday ... I turned 37 ... which for me means I am THREE YEARS away from 40!!  Birthdays are always times of reflection for me (as well as other times of the year).  I really can't believe it, 37, WOW!  I honestly in a lot of ways still feel 27 except for when I LOOK at my life and SEE our jewels I quickly realize that too much has happened over the last 14 years for me STILL to be 27.

My life is NOTHING like I planned.

When I was a little girl never once did I dream about how I WOULD be the mom of seven kids.  Then as a teenager, nope no such dream!  Then as a young adult, nope no such dream!  Then as I got married and during our first 7 years of marriage, nope no such dream!

I HAD a dream to be THE MOM to TWO kids. (notice the period)

  With this dream there came many other dreams and expectations of what my life would look like, and my expectations of myself as a mom.  One expectation was that I would NEVER raise my voice, and that I would always have things very much under control (you can imagine what the rest of these expectations looked like) ...  everyone would always get along, we would read lots together, play lots together, make music together, travel together, learn together ... and the list goes on and on ...

Well we had two kids and in my eyes my life was PERFECT!  I had the best husband (still do) and the best TWO kids in the universe ... and yes for the most part I was able to live within the expectations that I had of myself in my role as mom.

Well, these days at the age of 37 with SIX kids and one to be SOON arriving ... I still have the BEST husband and I still have the BEST kids ... but as for the expectation part of me, on good days I am able to achieve those, and on not so good days I fail miserably.  I do raise my voice more than I would like sometimes, and I don't get as much reading/playing/learning as I would like (and as I used to when we were a smaller family) ...

My life is NOTHING like I planned, on the small scale of things, and on the big scale of things.  Quite honestly sometimes I feel like I'm doing a good job at what God has called me to, and sometimes I feel like I fail miserably and I wonder WHY He called ME to what He has called me to.

So last week (in the middle of Jase's pain management and me battling my own exhaustion from simply being 32 weeks pregnant, never mind Jase's recovery, and the gift of being a mom to six jewels) I was having TOUGH and OVERWHELMING days ... and God reminded me of somthing that I had forgotten in the middle of me dealing with me.

The reminder and the piercing of my heart came through a song ... this often being the way that God speaks to me.  I was driving with the kids to this beautiful ocean trail where they were going to ride their bikes and I was going to walk (with Kody and Jase in the stroller) ... and of course the tears came (as they often do when God reveals HIS TRUTHS to me)

Here is the song (by Francesca Battistelli)

Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be

Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful

Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain

And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face

I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace

I was able to look at myself and see it the way that God sees it, as something beautiful.  I say that with COMPLETE humility as I don't feel like I can take ANY of the credit for how my life is.  God has guided each one my steps and has provided everything that I need, whether I'm walking in stride WITH Him, or whether I've fallen flat on my face where He has needed to pick me up (again).  God sees my life as beautiful whether I live up to my OWN expectations or not.  God sees my life as beautiful whether I live up to the world's expectations or not.  God has ordained and planned my life, and He PLANNED for it to involve ME being the mom to seven BEAUTIFUL JEWELS.  That was all His plans, and when I look at my life and more specifically when I look at our jewels, I see His beauty in my life.  I see His handiwork in each one of our jewels and I see it in the SACRED HONOR that He has called me to and made me for, to be mom to each one of them!  That is something BEAUTIFUL that He has done, He saw what my life COULD look like ... all I did was go along for the ride!

I LOVE that ... that God SEES the persons we can be ... even if/when we don't!

God sees me as beautiful, through the good, bad and the ugly ... regardless of HOW I feel ... regardless of how I see myself.  This song was such an amazing reminder for me to SEE MYSELF through my Father's mirror, instead of my own, or that of the world.

The pictures were all taken on my Birthday Dinner ... it has now become a tradition that on mommy's birthday the kids all pose WITH mom =)

The kids thought that also included that I got to take pictures of them (which they know I LOVE to do) ... so of course I couldn't pass that opportunity up ... here are some of those pics!

Thank you Jesus for OUR SIX BEAUTIFUL JEWELS that you have to given to us and entrusted us with!!!  THANK YOU JESUS for always seeing me as beautiful!