I use the word seamless to describe Jase's attachment and transition to our family, and as I'm super vague when I say that I thought I would define it. I think I've taken for granted that everyone has the same assumptions/information around adoption as I do.
We all 100% genuinely adore Jase and he adores us back.
This has been seamless.
On every level, he FEELS like he is my little boy.
This has been a HUGE gift.
He is attached to each one of us, and us to him.
Some of you will truly understand the miracle and magnitude of that.
This has been seamless.
I get an endless amount of hugs and kisses, every single day. I get the kind of hugs, where your child's body melts right into yours.
So now for the clarification, on seamless, when it comes to the transition part.
When I say seamless, does that mean that Jase's behavior has been perfect?
Okay, that is maybe too strong of a word ... how about good?
Does that mean that his behavior has been good?
For example does that mean that Jase has been a good sleeper?
Does that mean that Jase has been a good eater?
Does that mean that Jase has been kind and gentle to his siblings?
Does that mean that Jase has been obedient when given directions?
Does that mean that Jase has followed our pre-determined family rules around safety, manners, and other family norms?
Does that mean that Jase like a good 2 year old throws very few tantrums (as tantrums are kind of unavoidable for a two year old)?
Does that mean that Jase is potty trained (as China said he was potty trained), and he will soon be 3?
Honestly ...
Now this might come like a shocker to some of you ...
The answer to each one of those questions is no.
From day one, Jase struggled with falling asleep, him really resisting nap time and bed time. To this day, he still really resists nap time and bed time. What I means is that during those first weeks he would get out of his room oh on average a dozen times, now I would say it is down to half a dozen times. In comparison with his siblings who for the most part don't get out of bed once they are down for the night (except on the rare occassion, or if they are sick or have had bad dreams ...). Jase also still to this day gets up at least every other night once to two times a night. This in comparison to the first month when he got up every night 2-4 times a night. It has gradually decreased since then. In addition to getting up, during those first several months we would often find him sleeping on our floor or in our doorway, when we got up in the middle of the night or in the morning. This happened more times than I could count.
Jase has not been a good eater, actually not even close. He was horribly picky from day one and ate very little in China, and I'm pretty confident he lost week during the two weeks there. I however did not make him eat, pretty much anything. That might sound horrible to some of you but I know attachment literature, and knew it well with even Faith 6 years ago but I (we) still did this horribly with Faith, and we made her eat (which could and should be another post all together). Once Jase came home he slowly started eating more and more, although again we did not make him eat what we put in front of him. We did not pick the food fight, and instead if he didn't like what we ate we offered him rice or yogurt which he loved. He also sometimes (and still) ate an endless amount of cheese sticks as this became his favorite, and I pretty much did not set a limit on when he ate these. Is he a good eater now? Compared to the rest of the kids, I would say no. Compared to how far he has come, I would say yes. I now can get him to eat most of the food I want him to, or at least part of it ... but we still do not make him finish his food (while the rest of the kids are generally expected to finish their food, we give them portions according to their likes and appetites as this is very varied).
From day one, Jase struggled with being kind and gentle (in certain ways). His difficulties are anchored in that if he wants a certain toy, he has always thought that he has had the right to take that toy from whoever is playing with it and if they don't comply then he thinks that hitting them is the best way for him to achieve his purpose. He really has struggled with hitting from day one. In China, he would hit me. Once we came home, he hit everyone, including Sam and I. He then has gradually gotten better, and stopped hitting Sam and I. Then he started to target one of his siblings who was particularly reactive (with whining and crying) and for the most part that is who to this day he still will hit several times a day (although this is getting better and better as we are working with him). He has also hit kids outside of the family, including sweet little innocent girls at church (even leaving marks).
When it comes to compliancy, I would say out of all of our adopted children; Jase has struggled with this the most. He really has not been very compliant (um, kind of not at all), at least not the first or second, or even third time. When this is applied to following some of our family rules: no coloring on the walls, no eating lollypops out of mommy's purse at 8AM in the moring, no climbing in the dryer, no coloring on beautiful art work from China, no breaking toys, no ripping books, no throwing food, no dumping your plate of food over, no pouring your drink all over the table and floor ... and the list goes on ... Jase has done all of those things, more than once, more than three times .... more than ..., you get the idea. Some of them he still does, daily ...
When it comes to tantrums, Jase throws those pretty much every day (at least one). The time when he usually throws one, when he doesn't get to do what he wants to do. Some times he throws it when I ask him to do something, i.e. get sock and put them on ...
Is Jase potty trained? No. Have we tried to potty train him (being that he was already potty trained in China)? No. I HUGELY believe that the focus of the first year NEEDS TO BE ON ATTACHMENT and not on correcting or shaping behavior (although yes this should be taking place, but it should be a secondary goal to attachment). I personally dislike potty training VERY much so for me I would be setting me and consequently Jase up for failure if I even tried to potty train him now.
I know, some of you are thinking ... THAT does not sound like a seamless transition.
For me though, as far as toddlers go, that sounds like a "normal" transition, so for me it has been a seamless transition. Factor in that the moment I met my little boy I completely fell head over heels in love with him. My attachment to him did not take years. It was immediate, and it has not at all regressed during the 10 months that Jase has been home. When you factor this in, some of you will understand that then (for the most part), Sam and I both have been able to be responsive to Jase instead of reactive. There is a huge difference between these two, being responsive and reactive. You will understand that our frustration with him has not been huge as it has been at the normal level between a parent and his/her toddler. In comparison, the frustration level of a parent who is not attached with their child (nor them with him/her), is going to be much greater with their new child, especially a toddler whose developmental stage is truly defined by all of the above. Factor in that toddlers are known around the globe for throwing tantrums, for not wanting to comply, for wanting their own way, for being moody, for being self-centered, for not being willing to share ... Then when you add in the trauma of a huge transition like loosing culture, language, and family (even the family of an orphanage), ALL of the above behaviors above should be EXPECTED by adoptive parents. Quitely honestly I believe we should expect those behaviors from our adopted toddlers as norm, and we don't get them, then we should be very surprised. And if your new child has added additional trauma in their little life, you should expect the above behaviors and others to be yours and their norm ...
(Just like we should expect "behaviors" from all of our adopted kids, I am using the word behaviors respectfully towards our adopted kids, as after all they are kids, working through so many developmental stages).
Now, I know some of you might not believe me, and some of you will completely get this.
All of the above is true about Jase.
As is the fact that Jase
is sweet
thoughtful
loving
happy
cute
precious
affectionate
fun
smart
passionate
courageous
amazing
awesome
and gentle with Lillyana and his mamma (these days)
amongst many other wonderful things
Jase is a GEM and a GIFT to each one of us and we all truly adore him. The sibling that gets hit the most, does not dig (at all) getting hit, but he/she has such a huge heart that he/she still adores Jase.
My heart is that all adoptive parents enter into their adoption with their EYES WIDE OPEN, this was my heart behind this post. Adoption is a beautiful miracle in our fallen world in the midst of huge tragedy and loss. Adoption clearly represents the heart of my Heavenly Father, yet adoption has inherent struggles on so many levels.
Comments
Heather TenKley
Blessings~
Tina