Confession!

"Hi my name is Maria and I am the mom of 7 kids and it is a TON of work."

(I'm not really sure the intention of my post, except perhaps to break any bubble image that some of you might have of me. I am not looking for sympathy or pity as quite honestly even in the midst of excruciating difficult days I feel lavishly blessed by my Father.  Please really hear my  heart with this TRUTH).

 I was sharing my new found realization last night with a couple of friends at small group, and they were not surprised at all.  It seemed like they already knew what I didn't know.  It wasn't that I didn't know it, it just hasn't been dominating my heart or brain.  I think I am good at being "strong" and when I don't feel strong I don't really know what to do (except literally cry out to God for help).

For years, I have worked with at-risk kids with trauma.  As a result, not being strong is not really an option for me.  Add on the fact that I've had kids for almost ten years now, on top of working with trauma on a daily basis.  I learned years ago that I needed to do self-care and I needed to have good boundaries for self-preservation and in order for me and my family to not just survive, but to thrive and to carpe diem. 

"Carpe diem,"  has always been one of my life goals.  I want to live every moment to the fullest, without any regrets.  I want to live the life God has created me for with passion.  So part of my wiring and me living the life God has created me for with passion, is to make sure that I include a lot of energizing and refreshing play.  For me play includes play time with my husband, my kids, my family, and my friends - and it usually includes being active.  These are all play times that I NEED in my life.  Lately, I'm realizing that I need play even that much more.

During the last couple of weeks, I have started to struggle more than usual.  I have been feeling more than usually exhausted and overwhelmed.  Last week I literally crashed for a few days.  And in case you are wondering, yes literally (there was lots of crying by me and lots of movie watching by the kids which is not the norm in our house).  In reflection, I had two weeks where I did not have built time where I got to go out and have social time without the kids (and there were other things going on within our family).  For me, simply going for a run with a friend can refresh me and fill me up.  I say simply, because this takes such minimal time.

So yes my name is Maria and I have seven kids and it is a TON of work.  I actually think being a parent to any amount of kids is the hardest job on the planet.  The other part of my realization is that I have a 6 month old, two toddlers (one that is still "new" to us - I couldn't resist sharing the picture that I took this morning of our 3 youngest jewels), and four other kids - four of our seven kids having over and above the norm needs (some of you might call them special needs).  So these days I'm finding I need to step up my self-care and boundaries. 

The other week I was sharing at a second  (awesome) adoptive mom's group that I've recently started.  I was sharing my story and this included the REALLY DIFFICULT we have walked with our sweet Faith and one of the mom's was really surprised.  I do not know her very well, and she does not know me very well and she assumed that because we have kept adopting that we didn't have major struggles (and she thought that we always look like we have it all together).  I think I was equally surprised at her comment, as she was at my story.

I am human, Sam is human, and the kids are humans = we are all flawed = struggles.  Our life is by no means perfect.  Our life is by no means avoid of struggles. We don't have it all together all the time.  We don't have it all figured out, we are most of the time figuring it out as we go along (clutching on to our Father and each other).   HOWEVER, we wouldn't trade any of it.  We don't regret ANY of the decisions we have made.  We feel like we are living the EXACT life that our Father has created us for, and we wouldn't have it any other way.  Our life just happens to be a TON of work, but with that comes an enormous amount of blessings and joys, that are really indescribable to those who think we are crazy and don't really understand our hearts.  For those of you think that about us, did you know that there are MANY families out there with WAY MORE kids than us?  =) 

Another piece to our story is that we believe strongly in protecting our kids' stories and their hearts, and so I share explicit details about our children only with a few trusted friends.  One day my kids will be teenagers, and one day they will be adults, and they will have to live out their own stories.  I have the deepest amount of respect for each one my kids, and I want to with all of me honor their hearts.

I am also profoundly aware of how deeply blessed I am, on EVERY level of my life.   My world travels and my professional life has given me a very rich deep soul understanding of this.   RIGHT NOW as I type this I KNOW that there are little children hiding in rock cave in the mountains of Sudan.  These precious children have been separated by their parents and are all alone.  These precious children go days without food.  These precious children are hiding because of the war that is going on around and above them.  So even when I am flat on my face because of exhaustion, this truth is also part of my heart and reality.

With both Sam and I having this heart passion and awareness, time after time we have chosen God's plans for our lives, it forcing us to lay down our own plans for our life.  The kids were looking at photo albums yesterday and happen to pull one of our first few years of marriage, before kids.  I looked at the pictures too and the thing that I was right away reminded of, was how MUCH Sam and I used to PLAY together.  Pre-kids we saw a lot and did a lot, together.  One of our many adventures included a 3 week trip to Thailand (where we went to visit some great friends who were living and working in Thailand), and I still remember all the dreams and plans Sam and I made as we went on an elephant excursion (us on top of the elephant) through the hills and mountains of Northern Thailand.  We were going to have "two" kids and we were going to play and travel WITH our two kids, and one day we would bring our two kids to Thailand.

Our life looks nothing like the dreams/plan that we had for our family.  Inherent with adoption, inherent with special needs adoption, inherent with having a lot of kid ... our life is a lot of work, and at times exhausting, and at times completely overwhelming.  Would we change any of it?  No. 

We generally don't make our decisions based on convenience, easiness, or comfort.  EVERY time we have adopted we have been very aware of the reality that our new precious jewel might join our family with an enormous amount of trauma, and attachment difficulties. 

This is the REALITY EVERY TIME any of us adopt. 

Our decisions in the past and will continue to be based on God's leading, and God's plans.  We have learned that despite the TON of work, us often feeling like it is TOO much, God MEETS US AND MEETS OUR NEEDS. 

 My repeated and only prayer last week was, "God I cannot do this.  I need you."  Today I feel myself uttering this same prayer again.  I am not at the point I was last week, but yes my new realization is that I am a mom of 7 kids and I cannot do it by myself.  I  need God desperately.  I need my husband desperately.  I need my family and friends desperately.  I need to build in consistent play time, with Sam, the kids, and with friends; and I NEED to not take my eyes off my FATHER!!!

To ALL of you that have supported me, our jewels, or my husband throughout the last year as we have added two new jewels both of which are our OWN = THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!  Your support, help, and genuine encouragement means the world and is life giving to us!

THANK YOU JESUS for that although often at times it feels like you give us more than what we can handle, you meet us in our hard, and carry us when we need carrying!