More?

Does anything matter more than loving and serving Jesus?

I bet all of you that love Jesus, would quickly answer this question in the same way that I would, "no, nothing matters more than loving and serving Jesus."

That is my answer with my mouth.

But I'm afraid that my heart does not always align with that truth.

Consequentially then, my life does not always align with that truth either ... despite my own deep heart desire to love Jesus more than anything, and to serve Him with ALL of me.

Sometimes I think that it would be easier for me to serve Jesus fully with all of me and everything I have if I moved to Africa and became a full-time missionary.

Too quickly and too easily all of the distractions in our North American culture become a barrier to the life that I want most of all.

It often feels like I have my life set up in such a way that I don't need Jesus.  I build my life in such a way to have self-reliance instead of God reliance.  I can pretty much get whatever I need with a phone call, e-mail, or a drive in my car. I'm not saying that these things are bad, I'm just saying that the "things" of this world become easy distractions to being fully sold out for Jesus ... to living a life of crazy love and dangerous surrender.  I also sometimes lean more on my husband, my best friends, and my sister than I do my Father, Creator, and King.

For me, it takes intentional effort to not let the every day busyness of life, define my life in a mundane mediocre kind of way. 

I don't at all believe that I need to move to Africa to live the life God intended for me.  I fully believe I can live it right here, and right now, right where I'm at.

I'm a

wife,

mom to 7,

friend to many,

sister to 9 + my brother in laws,

daughter to my parents, step-parents, and in laws,

aunt to almost 10,

elementary school counselor to 400,

social worker to several families,

adoption advocate to anyone who will listen,

adoption educator whenever given the opportunity to speak,

neighbor to several,

...

and a minister of Christ in every single one of these roles and God given privileges,

if I love Jesus fully with all of me and serve Him with all of me.  He wants me to be patient, self-less, generous, kind, loving, and full of joy, hope, compassion and peace always.  He wants me to be His hands and feet to not only my kids, but also to anyone else who give me the privilege to know, whether it is for a long while or just for a few minutes.

That was a good eye and heart opener for me, to list the things God has put before me.  God has put MANY things in front of me, for His purposes and His glory.

God has put me exactly where He wants me.  He KNOWS my heart and He KNOWS my culture and how easily it can entangle my heart.  He KNOWS I will stumble and fall, as I try to find my way in living the life He's called me to live.  He loves me anyways.  He calls me anyways.

Up until last month I was also a small group leader to two different adoptive mom groups, both groups containing women who I adore and felt so privileged to be a part of their lives.  God however clearly told me to let them go, to step out of leading small groups.  This was incredibly hard for me as I can't remember a time that I've not been leading a small group.  God's voice was clear though, and I listened.

My job as school counselor can be incredibly hard and draining, as the trauma I deal with as a result of working with sweet little ones is beyond what my heart can at times take.  I know that part of letting go of being a small group leader has to do with going back to work in less than two months now.  I know that God is going to need me to have very little distractions when it comes to the fall, in order for me to be the mom that our 7 precious jewels need me to be.  (I will be returning back to my part-time job after being on maternity leave for 14 months)

I was actually at the Orphan Care Conference in CA when I heard God say, "no more small groups."  It seems like an ironic place to be ... where part of the heart of the Orphan Alliance is to get more and more of all of us into ministries.  It however reveals to me the heart of God and His plans for each one of our lives.  God has detailed life plans for each one of us, and for each one of us they are different.  God doesn't want us to live someone else's life.  He wants us to live the life He's put right before us.  He wants us to live the life He wired and created us for.

Having had the video made about us has been very humbling.  I watched the video, and part of me felt like I was watching someone else instead of me.  The reality is that our adoption story and journeys have not been my plans or my ideas.  They have been God's.  I don't feel like I can take credit for anything that He has done, all I did was say yes.  Yes, I have seven precious jewels and five of them are adopted.  Each one of them is amazing and wonderful, and I simply get the honor of being their mom.  That is it.  I didn't do anything extraordinary, and I'm by no means extraordinary.  I simply said yes to the plans God put before me.  He did the extraordinary in my life by giving us each one of our jewels.  He gets all of the credit.

My life at time feels surreal, like it is not my own.

The reality is, it is not my own.

I have surrendered my life at the feet of my Jesus.

I realize that through this surrender to the deepest part of my soul, I will at times be distracted, and I will at times have to fight with all of me to live that life ... that everyday life of being totally sold out for Jesus doing the busyness of everyday life.

THANK YOU JESUS that You don't leave us as we are, but that You keep on working on us and making us more like You!