Remembering!

 

Lately, I've been thinking lots about the plans I HAD for MY life.  Repeatedly my plans of having "ONLY" two children keeps coming to mind.  I truly was, so stuck, on this plan all through my twenties and into my early thirties.  I had this notion that in order for my life to be "good" it had to be convenient and easy," which meant for me that I could not have more than two children.  For me, having more than two children did not work with all of the other plans and DREAMS, that I had for my life.  Now in hindsight, my dreams were so self-centered and were so self-absorbed ... they truly all focused on me and my family living the American dream.  Yet if you would have asked me at at the age of 33, I would have told you that my heart was to live a life devoted to God.  Now I would have to question if that was truly me heart's desire.

 

We adopted Faith (our third precious jewel) when I was 32 year old.  As I've said many times, her entering our family turned our life upside down (to say the least).

 All the things that I had read about when it came to toddler adoptions that I had never wanted to experience, we experienced.  This was hard, so hard.  Although I don't know which part was harder - her behavior - or me having to let go of the plans I had for my life.

 

Now, two years away from being forty ... this is something that I regret.  I wish that when I was younger (;) ), that I would not have been so opposed to having more than two children and that I would have at least considered it.  Yes, I realize that God worked it out anyways, in spite of me.  It was just that I was SO against it.  Honestly, having more than two children NEVER crossed my mind until God literally dropped our Faith into our lap.  And even then, it took me years to fully embrace being a mom to MORE than two children.  Why is this something that seems to saturate the American dream, the idea of having only 2 children?

 

This regret applies to more than adopted kids, it also applies to bio kids.  I'm not entirely sure of what I was so afraid of, I think in part it was me not living up to my own expectations of me (as a mom).

 

I look at our Lillyana - our biological daughter and precious jewel number seven -

who again we truly did not consider until God in His glorious grace and blessings told me "there will be a baby."  I am so thankful to my Father who prepared my heart EVERY time our family grew, as He knew my heart, and the grip I still had on my dreams for my life. 

 

So now, I'm a working mom of SEVEN precious jewels.  How completely crazy is that.  Yes, I know.  But I also have an amazing life partner, husband, and best friend ... who does it ALL with me.  We don't have pre-defined roles of who does what -- we both do whatever needs to be done.  And I have a Heavenly Father who works out all of the details of my life, and who keeps reminding me that He IS the one in control (not me).

 

Two weeks ago or so, our amazing childcare lady told us she could no longer keep watching our 3 youngest (I work about 24 hours outside of the home).  We lined up our childcare starting last January, and the hours I had spent praying about it were endless.  My heart was in SHOCK, my grief was enormous, and for a while I felt like the rug had been pulled from underneath me.  Despite my grief, I KNEW my Father had everything already figured out and I knew I had to keep trusting Him.  Despite my feeling completely overwhelmed at me having NO control over what was happening, God gave me enormous peace in the midst of our storm.  Working AND finding childcare are HUGE heart and prayer based decisions that I make every year, one where I spend hours on my knees ... I was forced to again walk in faith as everything was unknown for some time.

 

I cried a lot those first 24 hours.  I loved our daycare lady, and still do ... and so did my kids!  AND I want the BEST for our kids.  They had all done amazing with her, even our baby (who was still not making it through the nursery at church).  My heart was so incredibly sad, and I didn't imagine that it was possible that we could have a better set up than what we had - our sweet daycare lady only watched our kids.

 

Well, let me tell you that now a couple of weeks later ... our setup is EVEN better.  We have two college age girls, alternating coming to OUR home.  I no longer have to drop my kids off, or pick them up ... praise the Lord!!  My commute to work is about four minutes and so for the first time ever, I am coming straight home ... what a gift.  This has also eliminated the melt downs one of our jewels was having every single day since school started -- as the pressure of school and then a little bit of time spent in the car was just too much.  The girls are both amazing Christian girls who are stellar with kids, and who adore our kids. 

 

Isn't that just AWESOME!!  I FEEL so taken care of by my Father, and also so confirmed in what He has called me to ... to be a mom of 7 precious jewels AND to be a school counselor.  AND once again He has shown me that HIS PLANS for my life are way better then the plans I have.  AND He has shown me that it is NOT about me, but ALL ABOUT HIM.

 

Thank you Father for your plans for my life, plans that are so visibly way better then any I could have even begun to have imagined ... thank you for our 7 precious jewels, Isabella,

Matteus,

Faith,

Kody,

Ella,

 Jase,

and Lillyana!!