I have been asking my Father lately if I am where He wants me to be. In thinking about it, I think EVERY time this year I question this and really seek my Father's heart. I ask whether I should be home full time. I ask whether I should leave my current job and do something else. I ask whether I should go into private practise specifically. Pretty soon I'll be signing another contract for next year's school, which I think is part of why I always seek my Dad's heart before making this decision. The other reason I think I ask it, because usually around this time I start to feel burned out and this year is no different. And if truth be told, lately I've been feeling very overwhelmed.
This yearly process for me usually involves a lot of prayer, reflection, soul searching, and conversations with close loved ones. This year I've heard my Father say that in order for me to fully hear HIS voice I need to drain out some of the "noise" I've allowed to set up house in my life. I LOVE face book (love keeping up with people) but am convicted that lately it has become a distracting "noise" in my life, and so for now I've deactivated myself. I've also been convicted that TV is making too much heart noise, and so I've decreased this AND am trying to spend more time pressing into and leaning into my Father - really trying to hear Him in all of my moments.
Although I hit the ground running (literally) as soon as my feet took their first steps into our house, I'm still processing and soaking up things from Refresh (so awesome). There was a 40 day devotional created for us to take home with us - and be still my heart, has it been a BLESSING.
If truth be told, the work I do is the burn out kind. My schedule is overloaded at work with literally never enough minutes in my day to get done what I need to get done. It is also isolating at times as my schedule is so full and all over the place. And it is a world of daily trauma. I have a new boss (principal) this year and I have to say that she is FANTASTIC and is so supportive and encouraging, which is a new positive aspect of my job and I'm thankful for that.
And if truth be told, my mom plate can also be the burn out kind ... as raising seven wonderful and precious jewels, several with trauma, is kinda honestly demanding and draining at times. My girlfriend and I were joking yesterday (on one of our many walks), trying to make ourselves feel better, that the chaos of our lives really is "holy." I do think that is true and I hold on to this tightly. I feel very much like God has given me MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE, and so I desperately depend on Him for my everything (sometimes very literally). Despite my feelings of being overwhelmed, I simultaneously am very thankful for my chaotically holy life.
Did I mention that we are home-schooling one of our jewels now. Correction. So far, it has been me home-schooling one of our jewels. YES, life has been crazy. My mom commented a couple of weeks ago that she thought I had too much going on. She was right, but the problem is that I don't have a box I can kick (love Deborah Grey's analogy). I find comfort in though that I'm not the only person walking around with too many boxes - Refresh reminded me of that - and I've got a handful of super close girlfriends who I know are also living a holy chaotic life with too many boxes that they are having to jump over.
I however am trying to find some boxes to kick, so I don't have to keep jumping over so many. I have found a couple of "very" small boxes to kick, but none the less they are boxes so I'm thankful. And I'm going to continue to be creative with the God given resources in my life, and see what I come up with, as I'm clearly realizing that I simply cannot do it all (the all being the things on my plate these days).
I have a real heart passion to help adoptive families and adoptive jewels through therapy, but for now I think I'm right where I'm supposed to be ... right where God wants me. Unless I can somehow add that on to my plate, maybe just a couple of clients ... ;)
It is such an incredible gift that would take a book to write about, to be able to have work in my kid's school. I love it and they love it. SO they think I need to stay at my job so that this continues to happen for them, and for their younger sister and brothers. It really has been such a uniquely wonderful part of all of our lives.
My question to you - are you doing exactly what you are supposed to? Do you have your own holy chaotic life that you are living out for our Dad? I kinda think we all should be living our own holy chaotic life - as I don't anywhere in the Bible see anything having to do with living a convenient and easy life. I in actually see the polar opposite, as every character in the Bible seems to be completely sold out for Jesus ... bleeding out His life and love in a tangible way. I do think though that "this" will look very different for all of us. For me it happens to involve being the mom to 7 precious jewels, and the other few things I do.
Blessings!
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