As I'm waiting for Jax I usually go for a walk where I pray and reflect!!! I was really struck today by the beauty of fall that I encountered every where I looked and was blown away, encouraged and filled up!!
My heart was struck with gratitude. As difficult what we are walking out right now, as my heart could easily break into a million pieces, I also have enormous peace!! And I wouldn't want to be anywhere else!!! Yes, I want to be right here, at Children's hospital!! IF this is what my son needs, and where He NEEDS to be then this is where I want to be, a million times over!!!
"When I survey the wondrous cross, from which the prince of glory died, love so amazing so divine. Demands my life, my heart, my all." This was the song that flooded my mind, over and over again, giving me enormous peace. God doesn't call us to a life that's lived in comfort or convenience!! If anything, He calls us to the total opposite!!! So many times life is hard, painful, and extremely difficult!!! We usually don't choose it, it instead finds its way into our lives, it often dropping right into our lap!!
That's how it feels with Jax. Nothing like cancer to make you live your life with your hands wide open, palms straight, not grasping on to anything! As nothing feels in your control!! There's nothing I can do to help Jax fight his cancer, except to show up and and be present!! I can only be faithful to what God puts in front of me, the rest I leave up to Him!!!
Had to stop writing this post as the doctors just came to update me.
I'm now a sobbing crying mess as they could not perform the chemotherapy!! They had to stop because they were afraid the chemotherapy would go into Jax's brain!! Our oncologist is on vacation this week, I have no idea what happens next!! The doctor that performed the procedure said, "he'll try again and do some research." He's only done this 9 times!!!
Nothing like cancer to make me completely dependent on my Father, for literally everything. Nothing like cancer to make me be constantly be pressing in, as I am in constant need of His comfort, strength, faith, and peace!!
This jewel completely has my heart!! I love him to the moon and back!! Che is a sacred gift given to me by my Father!! I didn't expect this today!! This is hard!! This is still where I want to be!!
We still have to spend the night in ICU, as they did everything except inject the chemotherapy!! Jax is still at risk!!
Oh the tender grace of my Father as He this morning prepared me for what would unfold as the day progressed!! These Holy Spirit moments are what I'm holding on to and will continue to ...
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Love,
Heather