Our Brave Little Jewel!!

On Tuesday night when Jax went to sleep he could see and by 10 AM on Wednesday morning, he could see nothing.  His vision was completely gone.  I was showing him a giraffe outside of Children's Hospital as he was so unhappy, I was trying to distract him.  He didn't even try to look, instead he just stared of into space, whispering three words I was not expecting to hear, "I can't see."

The next couple of days were mostly full of fear, him clinging on to mostly me (the mamma he wanted nothing to do with for the several days when we first got him in China).  When I first met my sweet boy last June in China He would panick if I even tried to pick him up. Now he panicked if I even tried to put him down.  

I tried to occupy all of our time with things that were familiar to him, him loving it when I read books to him that we had read together before he went blind.  The moments of joy for my boy were few, the stories seeming to make him forget his new reality.  He is amazing and so smart, him remembering not only details from the story, but also details from the pictures.  

Sleeping was a struggle as our little boy was full of fear.  Kody slept with him at night (which Kody loved, he's such a sweet and tender big brother).  And at nap time I put him in Jewlia's bed.

I tried to capture this moment, soo incredibly precious!!!!  Be still my heart.  God knew how desperately these two would need each other.  Makes me think of those first few days of them meeting each other, how clear it was that God had blessed and anointed their connection and relationship.  My brave little jewels.

By Friday Jax was still mostly nervous but had more moments of us seeing his sweet spirit again.  God gave me the most amazing view into Jax's soul.  The moment was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life.  I was in the hot tub with Jax, him sitting in my lap, his little body wrapped around mine. He's such a love bug.  He wanted me to sing the "happy" song.  I figured out which song and started singing it, him singing each line back to me:  

"I sing because I'm happy.

I sing because I'm free.

His eyes are on the sparrow,

And I know He watches me."

Our sweet boy tenderly sang each line, while unknown to him, his mamma sobbed while trying to sing her part.  It's hard to fully explain the depth of this moment and how God used it to minister to my soul, my brave, tender and precious little jewel.  I adore him.

Each morning as we have gotten Jax up we have done so with expectation that he would have his vision back.  Each day so far this has not happened.  Today when I got him up there was another precious morning.  I was trying to get something out of his room without waking him and was not successful.  He thought it was Kody, calling Kody's name.  I went to his bed, him reaching and slightly touching my hand.  He instantly knew it was his mamma, his whole face lighting up as he said "mom" and almost literally jumped into my arms. Be still my heart, my brave little jewel.

For the last several days we have been showing Jax how he can still move around the house without our help, as long as he puts his arms/hands out to feel his way where he wants to go.  He has been very hesitant but today he started to at least try.  He even navigated the stairs all by himself.  Be still my heart.  He also was able to move from the couch to the kitchen, my brave little jewel.

He also today, for the first time, willingly went and spent some time playing outside with Kody.

I'm so proud of them both, of both of their bravery.  Be still my heart.  Actually all of our jewels have truly been heroic with Jax.  I've tried to get them to understand how Jax feels and what he is going through.  I asked them all to cover their eyes, without telling them why.  They all did and then I explained how this is how it is for Jax now all the time.  The moment was profound and they all clearly "got it."

It has brought moments of anger by some, and faith questions.  They don't understand why God is not answering their prayers for God to heal Jax.  I know God can handle their questions as I have had those same questions of God years ago.  My prayers above anything is that God cover and protect the hearts of my jewels and that He uses our current hard to draw them closer to Himself.

I'm having Jax feel things on the walls and giving him lots of heads up about everything.  This all seems to be helping his heart.  We actually decided to move him into the same room as Lillyana and Jewlia, me letting him feel the truck stickers I had moved from his room and he totally understood and explained to me how this was now all of their room, my brave little jewel.  

Jax can still not see anything and I'm not sure if he will be able to see tomorrow when he wakes up or if he will ever be able to see.  Literally overnight his whole world went dark.  Yet this is not holding back our little boy, him truly even more so becoming my very own hero.  His trust in us is heart blowing, him having full confidence that we are going to take care of him in the midst of his whole world literally being turned upside down.  His bravery speaks to me in ways like not too many other people in my whole life have.  He certainly has moments of fear, yet simultaneously his giggles, laughter, kisses, cuddles, questions, spark for life, are amazing!!

Not in a million years did I think we would be walking this out.  Not in a million years did I think we would have the courage to choose to walk this out when we said yes to Jax.  And not in a million years would I do anything different.  As excruciating hard as this is, as many times as my heart is in a million pieces on the floor in just one day, as scary as the future can seem with so many unknowns, as overwhelmed as both Sam and I are feeling- I praise Jesus for the GIFT of my son!!  I thank Him for that He has our hearts and that of our sweet Jax.  I rest in that He knows the future and it gives me strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  God knew that all of this was going to happen yet He still called us.  He knew we wouldn't be able to do it.  He knew we would desparately need Him to simply breathe and He knew He would.

We all walk out hard.  May Jesus be your peace, joy and strength ... just like He is mine.  May He give you the courage and faith to do things you didn't think you could do, things you can't do without Him.  May our Jax, our two year old gift of a jewel, inspire you to be brave.