Walking out trauma within my own life I'm reminded of the HUGE impact of trauma in general, but especially in the life of some of our jewels, and other adopted (or foster jewels). There are days when just a smell can bring me right back to the cancer floor, times when Jax was fighting with all that he had. A sound can do it, something Jax says can do it, something someone else says, and sometimes I don't even know what happened and a find myself in a big puddle on the floor. I wonder for my highly impacted trauma jewels how much their past trauma histories still play a role in their every day. I wonder how much the trauma that cancer has brought still plays a role in their everyday.
There are so many unknowns with Jax's medical history, and consequently future, at least from a medical perspective. All these unknowns are constant reminder of who needs to be King of My heart. Not in a loose religious cultural way, but in a I can't breathe or live without Jesus kind of way. Although Jax has not been tested it is assumed because of his early cancer history that he is a carrier of the cancer gene. Consequently, his statistical chances of cancer coming back are sky high. Our head doctor who we adore reminded us of this last Thursday, it being a very grim conversation. He also gave us a list of different things (Jax getting dizzy is one example) that we would ignore with other kids, but for Jax we are to right away bring him to Children's. Thankfully our hope is not in the doctors but instead our hope is in the King of the WORLD, the King of my heart. Thankfully our hope is in what we have heard Jesus say, "I got this. I have Jax."
There are so many unknowns with Jax's future now that he is blind. Details that I quite honestly know nothing about. Details that quite honestly scare me because I'm afraid that I will fail my son. All of me wants to do everything I can to not hold my son back, and to ensure that he lives to his full amazing potential. Jax is a gifted little jewel, intellectually, and with a huge heart to match. The way he is able to understand things from a compassion standpoint and a mental ability standpoint blow my heart and mind. Trying to figure out what the best thing to do for him is hard and forces me to cling to my Jesus. Clinging on to Jesus is something that I love to do, as I've learned that there is no other way that I want to live my life. I want to live it totally surrendered, totally for, and hand in hand with my Creator and Father. More than anything we are daily asking that the Holy Spirit direct our steps and hearts about any decisions we need to make regarding Jax.
In about two weeks I am once again speaking at a couple of breakouts at Refresh, and I'm also scheduled to go back to work two days a week. Honestly, my heart doesn't know how to feel. These are huge steps of stepping back into life, of doing normal every day things. I have worries that I'm needing to surrender, worries of how my heart will handle things that used to be secondary on a lot of levels. Worries that I won't be able to handle my life as it was, that I won't be able to pour out again, pouring myself out as I talk at Refresh, and pouring myself out in my role as a School Counselor. Worries that I'm not ready, that my kids are not ready, and that we are not ready for these next steps. I literally feel like I want someone to hold my hand and I'm reminded I already have someone doing just that. My Jesus has never let go of my hand, and I'm going to have to continue to make sure that I'm being intentional in making sure that He is King of my heart.
I've been listening to the song "King of My Heart" throughout my days for a few days now, it has become my anthem song. I usually have one (an anthem song) and right now it is this song. I love the lines;
"Let the King of my heart,
be the mountain where I run.
The fountain I drink from.
He is my song.
Let the king of my heart
Be the wind inside my sails
The anchor in the waves
He is my song
Let the King of my heart
Be the fire inside my veins
The echo of my days
He is my song"
This is where my heart is at, and at times it is my literal cry.
Last Wednesday night an incredibly precious little jewel warrior named Macklen lost his fight with cancer and went on to eternity with Jesus. I met him and his sweet mom Shari last June, when our rooms were literally beside each other. Shari became a support for me throughout our cancer journey with Jax. Often when we were inpatient, this little jewel was inpatient, and we would connect as we both walked the floors with our son. Often we would be home or in our hospital rooms messaging each other. This precious little jewel fought hard and long. Macklen was a true warrior, and a true hero. He endured things that are unimaginable and are beyond hard, as did his family. My friend Shari was able to understand things about our journey that other people just don't. Macklen's precious mamma is truly one of the nicest people I've ever met, she's such a kind and gracious person. She fought the fight with such grace, faith, hope and love. For the last several months espeically, Jax and all of us would literally pray for this little jewel every single day. What happened last Wednesday is a loss that is so huge, words cannot be used. Last Friday I told Jax and our other jewels about this sweet jewel. You can imagine this was a heart break conversation. This sweet baby going home to Jesus has brought on enormous grief in my heart for my friend and all that they are walking. My grief is intermixed with my own, and all that we have walked and are still walking with Jax. There's so much I could say ... Please cover this sweet family in your prayers, that God would give them supernatural Holy spirit strength and peace as they walk out this unimaginable and indescribable loss.
This life is short. There are no guarantees. We were all put here with purposes beyond ourselves, with Kingdom purposes. My prayer for myself and for all of us is that we live a carpe diem dangerously surrendered life for Jesus. He did not hold anything back from us, why do we hold things back from Him. Maybe I'm speaking about myself, but I feel like on some days giving up control of my life is perhaps the hardest daily act of surrender that my Jesus asks of me. I want things to go my way, to go the ways I think are best. I want to be able to plan my future, the reality being that my Jesus has already planned it. There's the innate human struggle within me that I want to do things within the confines of our convenient North American Christian culture, in comparison with the radical christianity we find within the pages of New Testament.
Walking out cancer has made me that much more aware of the pain and hurt of this world, that some people walk out every day. This journey begs my heart, asking how I respond when I see others navigating pain and hurt. Do I respond with genuine care and compassionate love? Do I follow the example of the New Testament Christians who gave all of what they had and who they were for "others." Do I follow the example of Jesus "who took the form of a servant?" So many of you were the literal hands and feet to Jesus as we walked out cancer with our Jax. Your kindness, generosity, and compassionate tangible care still blow my heart and mind. We are so thankful for each one of you and the way that you responded to the hurt and pain within our family. I want to be this kind of person. I want to be like so many of you. The reality is pain and hurt probably interfaces with all of our days every day. How do we respond when we get the sacred privileges to be the hands and feet of Jesus to others.
PRAISE with me as last week also brought INCREDIBLE NEWS as Jax's spinal tap showed NO CANCER CELLS!! It was also his last chemo round, not last month! The King of my heart is not only my Creator and King, but also a MIRACLE WORKING GOD whose very nature is to heal. Why healing does not come every time we ask for it is something I will not understand on this side of eternity. It is a question I have to surrender until I see my Jesus face to face. It is a mystery that cannot be explained in human terms, and at times requires great faith to keep walking out.
Jay's next spinal tap and MRI is on March 9. THANK YOU JESUS for the gift of this precious jewel and for all of the other sacred gifts you give every day!!
(Here's another amazing precious jewel we are so incredibly thankful for!)
P.S. If you haven't signed up Refresh, here is a registration link with all of the information http://www.occ.org/refresh/ Refresh is a local phenomenal conference for adoptive and foster families, professionals, and ministry people! If you haven't signed up yet, join us!!!!!!
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