Impending MRI

Tomorrow about 9:30AM Jax will once again be put under and his brain and spine will be imaged, the doctors paying attention to every detail that they see, them essentially searching for any signs of cancer.  Tomorrow Jax will have another MRI.

I can't even remember how many MRI's Jax has had, too many to count.  This test will take place in a clinic that does imagining/testing for a variety of reasons, not just for cancer.  Often when we have sat there waiting, or when we are escorted back into the pre-procedure room and I see other parents in some of the other rooms, I wonder.  I wonder why they are there, what type of test they are having done.  Are they there for some routine test that's not hugely impactful, or are there lives about to completely change.

I remember back to that day almost a year ago now, where Jax's cancer had spread outside his eye, and down his optic nerve.  I remember waiting for the results, us having no idea truly of the magnitude of the results.  The picture above was taken on that day, on the day that will forever be etched in my heart and mine as the day when everything changed (again).  I remember our eye doctor initially telling us the preliminary results of everything being fine, only to be back 10 minutes to tell us that everything was not fine.  He couldn't give us the details as it was outside his area of expertise, and as the radiologist team was still scanning all of the pictures they had taken of Jax's brain.  I remember him crying later on when we met with him again when he did have all of the details, the other doctor who we also met with in oncology also crying.

I didn't know then why they were crying, now I understand.  A few weeks ago a sweet little boy was diagnosed with cancer in our community.  I spent the following week in tears, quite literally every day I would cry for what this little precious boy would have to walk out, and what his family would walk out.  Cancer is beyond hard.  It's something that if you are not completely hanging onto Jesus, you might not actually make it through in a somewhat resemblance of who you were before you began journey.  I don't know the actual number but I know that the rate of divorce for parents going through cancer is sky high.  I understand why.  The pressures that are put on a family are that of a pressure cooker, that's the only example I can think of.  There are pressures one every side, on every account, and they don't give up.

The farther we get away from Jax having cancer, it has now been 6 months, the easier the MRI's get.  Yet, they are not easy.  Every time my heart feels like it could literally break thinking about the possibility of what the MRI results might reveal.   Every time I cry so hard that it's hard to even breathe.  Every time my tears are so persistent and powerful that my heart literally hurts.  I hear people say things about how blessed Jax is to have us.  I say "hear" because it is hard for my to really focus in on those words when people say them.  Have you MET JAX?!!  We are the BLESSED ones!  We are the ones who somehow God deemed worthy to be the forever parents to the most incredible little boy.  He's truly amazing, like the thought of that I get to be his forever mamma, is like crazy awesome.  Jax is loving, kind, fun, smart, articulate, tender, compassionate, passionate, determined, a fighter, a warrior ... he's a gift on every account.

He's not the more blessed one in this equation, we are.  I have no idea how or why God thought Sam and I were worthy to be Jax's parents.  Sam and I are so ordinary, Jax is not.  Instead he's extraordinary special.  I know God smiles when He made each one of us, but truly when He made Jax He must have been grinning, like from ear to ear.  As I know He knew the magnitude of who Jax would be, and how Jax would touch every life that engaged his.  Be still my heart.

The other thing about this whole conversation, is the tremendous loss that Jax had to go through to become my son.  None of this seems fair and it breaks my heart a hundred times over.  This must have grieved Jesus's heart too when He made Jax, as He knew the enormous loss that would so quickly enter Jax's life.  He knew that our Jax would be born with cancer.  He knew that at the age of six month Jax would become an orphan.  Such enormous loss, none of which can be considered a blessing, yet still God used it for GOOD and for His glory.  God knew that Jax's life would need His intervention and redemption.  He knew we would need the exact same thing, intervention and redemption, just on a different kind of level.

What if Sam and I had said no Jesus.  What if we had said no to Jax.  I can't even go there, as it's beyond heart break to think about.  Although when I do think back, I honestly think that we were crazy.  Like truly, yet simultaneously to me us saying yes shows me that our yes had nothing to do with us, but everything to do with Jesus.  We sought Jesus like nobody's business, asking Him that if He was calling us to Jax that He would make it CRYSTAL CLEAR.  We then begged Him that if He was our son, that He would give us His courage and faith to keep walking forward.  And Jesus did just that.  There's not other explanation, as there's no way that Sam and I in our human nature walked forward toward's Jax knowing he had cancer on our own strength.  We really don't have that in us, Jesus walked us each step.

Tomorrow is Jax's MRI .... pause.  I can't help but wonder, what is your impending MRI?  What is the thing in your life that you cannot do unless Jesus shows up?  What is the thing in your life that the mere thought of it brings up fears or worries?  What's the thing that you know you need to do, but you don't know how you are going to do it?

I think we all have things that are like MRI's in our life.  They might not be life and death things, although it's amazing how desperate so many situations of life can feel.  We all have things that we desperately need Jesus for.  Walking out cancer has taught me how to rely on Jesus in a way that I did not before, Jesus has become my very breath.  I pray that for you, that whatever you are walking, whatever your hard is, that you would lean into Jesus.  I pray that Jesus would be your one and only, and that in the midst of your hard you would feel His tender touch and close goodness.

PLEASE PRAY WITH US FOR JAX TOMORROW!!!  That the MRI would continue to SHOW A CRAZY EXCESSIVE HEALING MIRACLE!  PLEASE PRAY THAT CANCER WOULD NEVER AGAIN BE FOUND IN JAX'S BODY!  PLEASE PRAY FOR PROTECTION OVER JAX TOMORROW.  PLEASE PRAY PROTECTION OVER US AS WE WALK THIS OUT.